J O T D

[chrisso]

Hahaha--- I was buying Dog food & told the lady at the Store it was for my Gran; '''its cheap & she doesnt know the difference''
I got a strange look....................???

[chrisso]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just that we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .


"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!"

[planedick]

Pecans

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all . Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[planedick]

Larry the cable guy says....

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[BrianB]

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".

The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

[BrianB]

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.

He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.

The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."

[fredintoon]

Dear Mr. Tide

Dear Mr. Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[Luv Cookie]

50th Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband and said 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said, 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.'

'She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'

He nodded and said, 'Yes dear, I still remember.'

'Well, what was it?' she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, 'Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.''

She giggled and said, 'Yes, dear, that's it. That's exactly what you
said. So now it's fifty years late, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and replied,

'Mission accomplished!'

[Luv Cookie]

Things aren't always what they seem

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

[barberad]

This has been floating around here in Utah recently due to the opening of a new highway.
Dan




Subject: FW: Huge Crack on New Legacy Parkway to be reported by the Ogden Standard Examiner and Salt Lake Tribune


It's just sad...


First the rework on the 200 street bridge in Clearfield, and Layton has had West Gentile torn for years.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of the horrible condition of most of the Highway's in Utah. Construction everywhere and it doesn't hold up.

Already they have a huge crack on the Parkway that needs to be taken care of and who knows how long it will take or even if it is repairable. Here are the pictures that will be seen in the Ogden Standard Examiner and the Salt Lake City Tribune this evening. Hopefully we won't have to look at it on the news stations.

[xsilerating]

Originally posted by barberad
This has been floating around here in Utah recently due to the opening of a new highway.
Dan




Subject: FW: Huge Crack on New Legacy Parkway to be reported by the Ogden Standard Examiner and Salt Lake Tribune


It's just sad...

Looks to me more like 'Dual Exhaust'

[Incubus]

I will comment when I am done barfing....

Patrick

[STEPPENWOLF]

He's not riding an 1100 ..and with that in mind:-)
Good ole CW Mc Call and a terrible video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3OXq...eature=related
this is the jotd site right..........

[barberad]

Dont know if this ones been posted yet.






Two condoms walk into a gay bar, the first one turns to the second and says ....


"looks like we're gonna get sh_t faced tonight."

[Rhumba]

bleah!

He (or she, heaven forbid) makes that bike look like a pocket bike!