J O T D

[barberad]

Again, sorry if this has already been posted. Haven't been through all 46 pages yet. Dan



A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks THE Question.....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed ."

WIFE: ----- silence ------

HUSBAND: "Sh_t."

[planedick]

0 to 200 in six seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in theDriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!'
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxGift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

[tmworks]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future .

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep ****

[prometheus578]

"Yeah, a real bunch of jokers..."

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief, supplied my transportation to every place imaginable. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my generous salary and supply health care and medicine for my entire family for my life. After my death, my wife will continue to draw that salary.

Regardless, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new
position. During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient. I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.

Also, I forgot to mention that, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do these things.

Sincerely,

Every Senator and Congressman running for President or for office

[planedick]

GOD is Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!! A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan One of the courses had a professor who was an atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

[planedick]

Best Vegas ad

[Rasputin]

Why men can't be trusted to take messages

[barberad]

Not really a joke, but funny just the same.
Here's why you don't let your cat get in the microwave. Any one seen "Pet Cemetary?"






No Animals where harmed in the taking of this picture, Rochambeaux is always getting into places he shouldn't. He has been with us for over 12 years. He has actually fallen asleep inside the kitchen garbage can on several occasions. (And yes, the name is from South Park.)
Dan

[red bandit]

No Animals where harmed in the taking of this picture

Then you did something wrong!!

[BrianB]

CHIP's

The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled
over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.

When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I
bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."

He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

[BrianB]

A woman goes to her doctor and said she
wanted an operation done because her
vagina lips were much too large. She
then asked the doctor to keep the
operation a secret as she didn't want
anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed.

She woke up from her operation only
to find three roses carefully placed
beside her in bed. Outraged she
immediately calls in the doctor.

She said to him, "I thought I asked you
not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The doctor told her he did not and not
to worry. He then continued...

"The first rose is from me. I felt bad
because you went through this all by
yourself."

"The second one is from my nurse. She
assisted me with the operation and
had the operation done herself."
Just then the woman asked about the
third rose.

The doctor said "Oh, that rose is from
a guy upstairs in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

[STEPPENWOLF]

Well with Halloween coming up I thought my bike had Mad Cows Disease but the mechanic said it was Kawazusukiyama..rare but there is hope,change the oil,clean the conections on the turn signals and every other connection and shift easy between first and second and in time it should heal...I don't know,it just don't look the same as I bought it.

[barberad]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMINOLOGY/Definitions

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius. (And for corporate executives to mistake themselves for management geniuses.)

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought.
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[BrianB]

An old but still

ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[BrianB]

An old but still

..........