J O T D

[planedick]

Well

Good one, but not good enough for two times here.

[Cobia]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look."That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration."Thanks", the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles."Little Partner", the firefighter says, " I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope round the cat's collar, I think you could go faster".
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".

[Cobia]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[barberad]

possibly one of the best ads ever!

[Stralya]

And in a similar vien...



Wildkat should like this.

Dan.
Copycat.

[barberad]

As a father of four, this is too funny

THE TEA SET


One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 2 years
old. Someone had given me a little tea set as a gift and it was one of my
favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my sister was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of
"tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise
for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was "just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, I made my way down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the
only place a child can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Cobia]

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me .Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

[barberad]

Not looking good for that bailout plan..... true story.

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the entire economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?





''Life's tough.....it's even tougher if you're stupid.''
-- John Wayne

[SG-Olli]

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine ,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

[Luv Cookie]

Best Come Back Line Ever

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said officer Taylor . 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? sh!t...is it midnight already?'

[Cobia]

Walking through the jungle

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $6.00
+ Fried Explorer: $7.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of s**t, it takes all morning.'

[red bandit]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash fa l ls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .

Today you voted.

[egsols]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of briefs made of plastic wrap. The doctor takes one look at the man and says "I can cleary see your nuts!"

[chrisso]

The next patient walks into that shrinks office & says ''Dr-I think im a dog""
Dr says''lie down on the couch''
Man says ''No i cant''
Dr-''why?''
Man-''Im not allowed...''



well made me laff hee he

[Stralya]

The Doctor's office next door.

Highway Patrolman walks into the Doctor's office with a dirty great Cane Toad on his head.

Doctor, "Where did you get that disgusting looking thing?"

Cane Toad, "Started out as a pimple on my arse."

Thank you, I'm here all week.