J O T D

[latexeses]

That guy (I'm guessing it's just one guy in those pants) must have stolen that bike.

He couldn't have ridden that thing more than once like that....

[latexeses]

My wife's reply.......

EEUUUWWWW!

[chrisso]

Hotel bills

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk Clerk; hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[red bandit]

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has
Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother
replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have
had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot
evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between
Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it
looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

[red bandit]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It
seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for
their first legal drink.


So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat
.... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to
safety.


Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk
'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'


Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because
your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in
January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you
dumbass'.

[Stralya]

That's so wrong on so many levels...

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

I LOVE IT!

[barberad]

New twist on old hash:



Investment Advice:

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.

With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.


With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.


But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.


Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.



It's called the 401-Keg

[tmworks]

potentially and realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and
'realistically'?'The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that.'So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars?'The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send
you kids to a great university!'The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?'The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars?''Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would
buy?'The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did
you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?



'The boy replied,
'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with
two hookers and a homo

[BrianB]

Man walks into his house carrying a sheep

as his wife looks up at him he says, "Honey, this is the pig I've been screwing"

His wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep!"

Man says, "I wasn't talking to you!"

[Varnae]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses, because he bossed them around just as he did his staff. None of the hospital personnel wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who would stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

"So, get on with it," he groused. He folded his arms and opened his mouth.

She said, "Not like that. For this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. Turn over." He complained mightily, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After he felt the nurse insert something in his rectum, he heard her say, "I have to go get something. Stay just like that. Don't MOVE until I get back!"

She quickly walked away -- and left the door to his room open as she exited. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking in the hall, pausing to look in, and walking away laughing.

A half hour later, the man's doctor came into his room. "What's going on here?" the doctor asked.

Angrily the man said, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen anyone having his temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor admitted... "Not with a carnation."

[BrianB]

Tattoo's

Guy's getting married, so he goes out and gets his girlfriend's name tattooed on his unit. When it's hard, it shows the whole name, WENDY, but soft, all you see is the WY.

After the wedding, they go to Jamaica, guy's in the restroom looks over at the guy next to him and sees WY on his johnson too. First guy says, "Oh, your wife must be named Wendy too", showing off his tattoo.

Jamaican says, "no, mine says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, MON, HAVE A NICE DAY'"

[Ken Talbot]

Jurassic fart...

Click here

Thought I was going to fall out of my chair first time I saw this one..

[BrianB]

I showed my 7 year old and he just pee'd his pants and fell to the floor laughing. Funny stuff Ken.

[Cobia]

Investment tips for these troubled times.

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[Cobia]

Blonde Jokes (Not Looking to Offend)

Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into,asked,Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"


*********************
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

********************
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" uttered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
*****************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.
*****************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, she got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."
***************
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! .I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."

************

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, What's the matter ?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work her usual shift. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too."