J O T D

[slow mo]

celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."


He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'


I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,


And whispered,


'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'


And thus began my life of celibacy.....

[slow mo]

a bit of bull

i,m with you Fred ,,i can hardly pull up to a set of lights without some babe beggin for a [ ride] i,m sick of it and really tired of gettin laid i,m not just eye candy to be used by all these women!! dam you sidecar!!! now on days when i want to avoid it i fill the hack with beer and ice ,,no room for the babes ,,until my strength returns ride with safe,s slow mo!!

[trbig]

There was a bit of confusion at Cabelas' this morning.

I wanted to get some ammo before the congress had a chance to impose more hoops for us to jump through.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of 9 mm, 357 & 12 gauge shells, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the manager, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us a little clearer!

[slow mo]

three women

a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the

poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been ****ed, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

[LoHo]

"There was a bit of confusion at Cabelas' this morning.

I wanted to get some ammo before the congress had a chance to impose more hoops for us to jump through.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of 9 mm, 357 & 12 gauge shells, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the manager, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us a little clearer!"
__________________
I had a similar experience, but mine turned out better...now they let me park in the handicapped stall.

[Rasputin]

The Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”
“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

[je2wheeler]

Passing is such sweet sorrow

A guy walks in to a bar, with his chimpanzee. He orders beers for his chimp and himself. The chimp jumps up on the bar and starts eating the peanuts and pretzels. Then the chimp jumps over to a pool table and swallows a pool ball. When they finish their beers, the man and his chimp leave.
Two weeks later, they return to the bar. Again the chimp jumps on the bar but this time the chimp picks up a peanut and shoves it up his butt pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender asks, “What was that about?”
The guy answers, “After the pool ball, he won’t eat anything until his sure it will fit through his butt.”

[Rasputin]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to blow me on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabby replied “fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Wildkat]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local HEB. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. "'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, it's a waste of money", demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful!" replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price!!!"'

[trbig]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example... A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

[Rasputin]

More 50 shades of grey (whatever that is)

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife
moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ........
back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and
out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts,
and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the
end.
Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ..... then she
moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and
shouted,


"OK, OK! I can't park the ****ing car! You do it, you
smug bastard!

[Rasputin]

Ammo

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the
way home I stopped at the gas station where a gorgeous blonde was filling up
her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my truck and said in a very sexy
voice, "Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked, "Maybe. What kinda ammo ya got?"

[Rasputin]

We got stronger beer

You need sound on to watch this................ eh.

http://www.youtube.com/v/2E064kb3UnU

[Rasputin]

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
Especially after what he achieved --winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my ****ing bike.

[ccogswel]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!