J O T D

[IanDMacDonald]

LMFAOOO!! Good one Ras!

[Rasputin]

This is what all of you 60+ year old's have to look forward to:

This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.



One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door. He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area.



An hour later, he still hadn't arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.



She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain, and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.



A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

[BA80]

Bikers attempt to save girl

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[MaximPhil]

Why never to take your XS1100 to a mechanic.

Customer: My bike won't start.
Mechanic: S**t in the carburettor?
Customer: Well how often to I need to do that ?

[red bandit]

Mayberry

Every wonder why Mayberry was such a happy place? Everyone was single; Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Gomer, Goober, Sam, Earnest T Bass, the Darling Family, Helen, Thelma, and Clara.

Otis was the only one married, and he was always drunk....

[Rasputin]

SEX AT 68

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
Informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

[trbig]

Reminds me of a trip to Zion National Park, Brent? lol.

[trbig]

[ViperRon]

Mike that's just Deplorable.

[MPittma100]

A wild eyed woman walked into a crowded bar in D. C. waving an unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband." A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo Hillary!”

[trbig]

Man.. I had trouble finding this thread. No posts since Feb? You are some UNfunny people. lol.

[trbig]

I've put on some weight, so I've gone to a strict rum diet. So far I've lost 3 days.

[ViperRon]

Men don't listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
"MEN NEVER LISTEN"
Hahaha!

[je2wheeler]

Oils Well That Ends Well

Joe took his new car to the dealer due to an oil leak. The service department could not find the problem and Joe took his car home only to find the next morning oil stains under the car in his drive. Again back to the dealer and again the problem could not be identified.

When Joe got home, he placed news papers under the car and the next morning, he Gathered the oil stained newspapers and returned to the dealer and displayed the newspapers to the service manager.

“Well,” said the service manager, “I see you have it paper trained.”

[jwhughes3]

A Christmas Tradition

A Christmas Tradition...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know this.

John