Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes?
Then you will dig these band names for aging musicians:
Counting Crows feet
R.E.Member
Nine Inch Toenales
Hair Supply
Minivan Morrison
The Early Byrds
WalkDMC
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!
If you don't laugh at this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!
JohnLeave a comment:
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Here is a good clean joke that you can tell anywhere.
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical
clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your
treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please
help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
$500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
$500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your
$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
outsmart an "old Geezer " !Leave a comment:
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Do you feel it?
As the Driver’s Ed student approached a right turn, the instructor said, “Use your turn signal.”
“No one’s coming.” Replied the student.
“It doesn’t matter. It might help those behind you.”
Exasperated, she looked over her shoulder and said to the students in the back seat, “I’m making a turn up here.”Leave a comment:
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I thought the "Baby Boomers" among us (including myself) might like this:
The Life Cycle of a Baby Boomer
From taking acid to ... taking antacids
From lying to your parents to ... lying to your doctor
From being hip to ... replacing a hip
From rolling your own to ... rolling your ankle
From rockin' out all night to ... rocking out on the porch
From getting stoned to ... passing stones
And finally ...
From not trusting anyone over 30 to ... wishing you were still 30.Leave a comment:
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John I laughed out loud and so did my wife...that guy is probably old enough to ride an XS1100!!
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A couple had retired for the night and the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on gently feeling her hips first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.
He whispered back ...... " I found the remote!"
JohnLeave a comment:
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Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew
Pit Crew Fired
Breaking News - Raleigh, NC
Jeff Gordon, Professional Stock Car racer announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plea to employ Black Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Black youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 9 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced Black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff's wife in the shower.Leave a comment:
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Scam at AutoZone
Posted on another site....
This is to warn all men of a scam that can occur at places like parts houses, home improvement stores, etc. It seems that after making your purchase, while loading it into your car or truck a couple of comely, minimally dressed young ladies will clean your windshield. They'll refuse a tip, instead asking for a ride. Once in the vehicle, one will start disrobing and crawling all over you while the other steals your wallet.
This is a real problem; I had my wallet stolen 3 times last week, 5 times so far this week. Best prices on wallets seem to be at the dollar store, with WalMart coming in second.
Be careful!Leave a comment:
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Reversing Sensor
Prototype: Reversing Sensor
As soon as you reverse and hit something, it squeals.
Leave a comment:
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Language Barrier
The school principal called in an underperforming "Intro to Spanish" student to ask why he failing the subject.
"I don't know, I just don't understand Ms. Ramirez, it's like she is speaking another language."Leave a comment:
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In School - - -
A note from a student’s mother, “Please excuse Tom from reading because he doesn’t like it.”
When her child’s towel was missing after a school swimming trip, an irate mother demanded of the coach, “What kind of thieving juvenile delinquent is in class with my child?!”
“I’m sure it was taken accidentally.” said the coach, “What does it look like?”
“It’s white and says Holiday Inn on it.”Leave a comment:
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Transplants
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"Leave a comment:
Leave a comment: