J O T D

[je2wheeler]

Bob and Tom go hunting. Bob walks over to a fence line to take a leak. Right in the middle of his business, a copperhead strikes out and gets bob right on the end of his ____.
Bob is terrified and begs Tom for help. Tom says, "I call emergency and see the best action to take."
On the cell, Tom listens to the advice of cutting the puncher and sucking out the poison.
"What did they say!" says Tom
"They said, you gonna die."

[je2wheeler]

Sue went out on her first unchaperoned date. Her date being a hormonal overloaded teen kept trying to get under Sue’s dress yet she blocked all his advances. Finally out of pure frustration, her date un-does his pants and forces her hand in.
When Sue gets home in tears, she tells her mother what happened.
“Sue, when you go mass in the morning, you must soak your hand in holy water through the entire service.”
In the morning Sue gets a pan and goes into mass with her hand in the holy water.
Super embarrassed, Sue discreetly looks around to see if anybody noticed and she sees the girl next to her doing the same thing.
“Isn’t this embarrassing?” Says Sue.
The girl next to her says, “It could be worse, look behind you.”
Sue turns to see a girl gargling.

[GNEPIG]

Awesome thread...

Mike and Mary are traveling on the interstate when Mary decides to orally pleasure Mike. Mike is enjoying this a lot when he outs with "OH Sally!" Mary suddenly dislikes this and bites off his Johnson and spits it out the window.

In the next car back Mikes manhood sticks to the windshield and then rolls off in the wind. The 6 year old girl in the passenger seat asks her Dad, " Dad, what was that?" trying to be a good Dad he responds "it was just a bug honey". Little girl then reply's "well he sure had a big d***"...

[LoHo]

You know, you can't run through a camp ground.
You can only "ran" through a campground, because it's past tents.

[trbig]

Along those lines....

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.


She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???”

There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, “DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!”

Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”

[fredintoon]

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy,- - -

Hi Schming,
The last time I heard that story the genie had been released by a Californian XS11 rider who wanted a bridge across the Pacific Ocean so he could ride his bike to Hawaii.
"Do you realize the environmental impact of such a structure? Ask for something else."
XS11 rider produces a photo of his big fat ugly wife.
"Could you make this woman look like a supermodel?"
"How many lanes you want on that bridge?"

[Schming]

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go ballistic.

Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog I just ran over."

They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this older, distressed looking woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't good looking at all, so do you think you can make her look pretty like Monica?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn man, let's go have another look at that dog!

[BA80]

A man walks into a Florida bar and finds they’re holding a contest. The bartender tells him the details: ‘First you have to drink three bottles of moonshine. Second, you go out back and pull a sore tooth out the mouth of my pet ’gator. And last, you have to go upstairs and have sex with Ma Jackson, the town’s oldest, ugliest prostitute. If you can do all that in one hour and stay conscious, you win a year’s supply of beer.’ ‘Sounds tough,’ says the man, ‘but I’ll give it a go.’ The man drinks the three bottles of moonshine then, completely plastered, staggers out back to find the ’gator. After half an hour of crashes and screaming, the man crawls back covered in bruises and cuts, ‘Okay,’ slurs the man. ‘Sho were ish the old broad wid the bad tooth?’

[Schming]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his
Badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child
Screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we
Won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,

"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
Here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,

"William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading
His groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know
How you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter
How loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things
Would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William,
This little *******'s name is Timmy".

[je2wheeler]

50 years

Jenny found her husband crying.
"Robert, why are you crying?”
"Jenny, this is our fiftieth anniversary."
"Yes, is that why you are crying?"
"Do you remember when your father, the judge, caught us kissing on the front porch swing?"
"Yes." said Jenny with stars in her eyes
"And he said if I didn't marry you I would spend the next fifty years in prison?"
"Yes."
"I would be getting out of prison today."

[DiverRay]

Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep
but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked..
"To get my teeth!"

[je2wheeler]

A guy walks into an insurance office.
He says to the insurance salesman, “I want to buy some fire insurance.”
“We don’t sell fire insurance, but I do have flood insurance.”
“No, I can’t use flood insurance, I don’t know how to start a flood.”

[MPittma100]

From a Contractor friend

What do you call 99 Realtors at the bottom of the sea????
A Good Start!

[Gmac]

So here's an Alabama joke for all ya'll

Mandatory food and drink warning...
Put it down now.





An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth, give me an Amen.

[Schming]

Turpentine vs Holy Water
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had..
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a
pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'