J O T D

[slow mo]

are you the father of one of my kids?

Post subject: I think you are the father of one of my kids




A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[slow mo]

the sensitive man

Post subject: The Sensitive Man






- I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we are stoning her in the morning!

- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers. I did. She's 25, and her name's Beverly.

- I went to a new bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

- A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you can reincarnate but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.
I had to go down to the Salvation Army to get all of her clothes back.

- The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the end of the driveway.

[LoHo]

A longtime married couple are having sex when the husband suddenly stops and remains motionless. His wife waits a second or two, then asks, "What the 'ell are you doing?"

He replies, "Shut up! It's a move I saw on PornHub...it's called 'buffering'!"

[pbaker27]

Didn't see this posted before, my father emailed me this video, say I could have had a running bike like this instead...

http://www.youtube.com/embed/iKqpvriKZuA

[BA80]

Lmao

From my facebook page. Charley is a friend and Colleen OWNED him......

[jwhughes3]

Report Card

A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite".
"Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"

"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend
"Well,"said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license, it is like a report card it has everything on it", later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ,

" I know how old you are . You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And ,"the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".
The mother fainted

[BA80]

7 kinds of sex

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your Wife any more.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

[fredintoon]

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. - - -

Hi Greg,
be careful what you wish for.
Have you ever considered how Smurf sex actually works?
There's only one adult, Papa Smurf.
Then a whole bunch of pre-pubescent male Smurfs.
And exactly ONE Smurfette.
So the Smurfs are sexually inactive because Papa Smurf is past it and all the rest ain't ready for it.
Then Papa Smurf dies.
This triggers a hormonal change to bring all of them to sexual maturity.
Then follows a last man standing fight amongst all the male Smurfs to see who gets to mount Smurfette as she eats all the defeated Smurfs to morph into Mama Smurf
The survivor male Smurf gets to impregnate Mama Smurf who gives birth to all of the the next generation and dies in the process.
He then morphs into a Papa Smurf to raise all the new ones.
If the new batch doesn't have a Smurfette, that Smurf family dies out.
If there's only one Smurfette, they continue,
If there's more than one, they flourish.

[Rasputin]

Fred, you know way to much about Smurfs for a man your age to know! Quit hanging around the kiddy parks before you get arrested.

[trbig]

One for Fred...


An elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, shoes shined, no walker, etc.. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly (70’s?) fine-looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,

"So tell me good looking, do I come here often?"

[BA80]

Well I tell ya, I've been through them all the way through the courtroom version. I jst hope that doesn't overlap into the Social Security segment.

[BA80]

THIS IS A KEEPER!!!!

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I
wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[MPittma100]

Jotd

Two women were sitting quitely together, minding their own business.......

[Rasputin]

I do not get it? If they were sitting quietly together it would make sense...

[BA80]

Two women were sitting quitely together, minding their own business.......

I do not get it? If they were sitting quietly together it would make sense...

So, you DO get it.