J O T D

[Rasputin]

The United Way realized that it had never received a
donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way
volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our
research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you
don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something
back to your community
through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did
your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I
didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that
my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is
unable to support his
wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off
again.'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my
sister's husband
died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with
a mortgage and
three children, one of whom is disabled and another that
has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says,
'I'm so sorry. I had
no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any
money to them, what makes you
think I'd give any to you?'

[hamjam]

Dear Mr. Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[Ken Talbot]

Some Assembly Required

My niece recently moved to town, just starting out, and bought a few pieces of furniture that you take home and assemble yourself. Here's the first page of the 'pictograph' instructions that came with her little end tables:

I understand the first symbol to mean "Should take approximately 20 minutes". The next one seems to says you need a little bit of work space, say approximately 1.5 metres by 1.5 metres.

Then, is it just me, or does the next symbol not mean "Do not attempt with two women"?

[chrisso]

Amy Winehouse jokes....

Stolen from Kiwi Biker
Amy Winehouse jokes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amy Winehouse went to Glastonbury last weekend.
Poor Amy had to wade through dirt, needles, rubbish and people lying around everywhere...
... just to leave her flat.

Amy Winehouse admitted today that, when she's on stage, she hides her syringe inside her hair!
It must be like trying to find a needle in a ****ing haystack!

Amy Winehouse was disappointed when it was explained to her that she had won 5 Grammy’s and not 5 Grams.

Amy Winehouse's health is at risk due to her crack problem.
Her doctors say that if she doesn't wash it soon, she'll get gangrene.

Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and they start to chat. She says to him, "What do you do?"
He says, "Top Gear."
She says, "****ing brilliant - I'll have three grams."

Amy Winehouse is at her doctors complaining of chest pains.
After extensive tests, the doctor announces the findings of the test.
"Well, Miss Winehouse, I have some good news and bad news for you. Firstly you appear to have the painful and life threatening condition Emphysema, caused by your constant smoking."
"Oh," says Amy, "What's the good news, then?"
The doctor replies, "That is the good news. The bad news is there is a cure."

I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.

With Amy Winehouse's husband in prison for the foreseeable future she has turned to lesbianism. Just once again proving she can't keep her hands off the crack.

Amy Winehouse walks into a bar...
The barman says "Why the long face?"

Arrested once for bestiality, I was told by the judge it is impossible for a human to mate successfully with a horse.
However, I have seen Amy Winehouse, so I know that can't be true.

Amy Winehouse has been taken into hospital today and is reported to be in a stable condition.
I always thought she looked like a horse.

Amy Winehouse fled her Camden home earlier this year, claiming it was haunted by the hideous ghost of a dead boy.
Strangely enough, she hasn’t seen it again since her friends removed all her mirrors.

Amy Winehouse had a violent reaction to medication last night.
She said, "**** off if you think I'm gonna take anything legal!"

Apparently Amy Winehouse's dad has claimed that someone spiked her drink with ecstasy. I think someone should remind him that it's not spiking if you put it there yourself.
__________________
TOP TIP: WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

[Montreux_Blue]

Originally posted by Ken Talbot Then, is it just me, or does the next symbol not mean "Do not attempt with two women"?

Looks like only one women in a short skirt required!

[Luv Cookie]

Money tight???

Moonlighting Dragon Master

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master ...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills

[mstic2000]

Re: Some Assembly Required

Originally posted by Ken Talbot

Then, is it just me, or does the next symbol not mean "Do not attempt with two women"?

One thing for sure is they were made in China and this is a Chinese diagram. They used to try and print out instructions in english and got them all screwed up. Now they just print out picture diagrams which aren't much better than their screwed up english instructions. LMAO

I'm pretty sure what they are trying to say is it only takes one person to assemble not two....

[SiP]

Maybe it means nobody can work with a woman - not even another woman?!

[Jerry]

Not to be a killjoy, but it means only 1 person is required for assembly. i.e. you can assemble it yourself.

Blonde joke:
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

Another blonde joke:
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[planedick]

Balls

English woman was attending her first baseball game with her American friend. First two players at bat hit the ball and run to first base. Third guy got a walk. The English woman said, "Why did the first two hit the ball and run real hard for the bag, and the third one didn't hit the ball and just walked to the bag?" Her American friend said it was "because he got four balls". The English woman said, "Poor fella, no wonder he had to walk!"

[mro]

Blonde or Irish!

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'


mro
(stolen from the UK site )

[chrisso]

My trip to the urologist

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My doctor referred me to a urologist.



To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably

gorgeous and sensual.



She told me that I would have to stop masturbating.



I asked her why.



She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'









hahahahaha............................

[hamjam]

and you are bothering the others in the waiting room

[mro]

Click for some smiles

http://shock.military.com/Shock/vide...=174910&page=4


mro

[planedick]

Pet food diet

While standing in line at the grocery store with a large bag of Iams dog food a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. She seemed dim enough so I said no, I'm going back to my pet food diet although I probably shouldn't since the last time I lost 50 lbs, but found myself in the Emergency room at the hospital. She wanted to know how it worked and I told her just put some of the little bits in your pockets and when you get hungry, just eat one or two. They are really nutritious and not fattening. By this time all the other people in line were very interested and listening intently. When she asked if the pet food was the reason I was in the hospital, I told her no, I ran across the street to smell a English Setter's ass and got hit by a truck. I thought the guy behind her was gonna have a heart attack he was laughing so hard......