J O T D

[planedick]

The knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[BrianB]

Evolution

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that's how all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

[planedick]

Freezing to death

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
!
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[Varnae]

Scientist decide that we have advanced ourselves enough that we don't need God anymore so one of them go to God and says " God, mankind has advanced itself enough that we don't think we need you anymore so we want you to buzz off."

God thinks about this for a moment and responds "ok, I'll tell you what. We'll have a little man making contest. If you can make a man I'll buzz of and leave the human race alone forever."

The scientist agrees. He reaches down, grabs a handful of dirt and turns around to walk away and go make man when God stops him and says "no, no no... you go make your own dirt."

[Varnae]

An American goes on vacation and winds up in a little hole-in-the-wall bar in Ireland. He sits down next to an old Irish man drinking whiskey. The old Irish man nods to him and he nods back.

The Irish man points out a window and says to the American "Do ya see that wall out there? I built that wall with me own two hands. I went and selected every stone, laid each one in it's own particular place, laid the mortar in between each one... It stretches out all the way across the field! But do they call me Connor the Wall Builder? NO!"

He takes a sip of his whiskey and then pounds his fist on the bar and says "Do ya see this bar here? I built this bar with me own two hands. I went and cut the tree down in the forest, I cut it up up into pieces. I sanded each one down nice and smooth... It's got 15 coats of shellac on here! But do they call me Connor the Bar Builder? NO"

He takes another sip of his whiskey and points out another window and says "Do ya see that pier out there? I built that pier with me own two hands! I went and cut the trees down in the forest. I rolled then down to the water. I drop the piles into the ground MYSELF! It's got blood sweat and tears in the bloody thing! But do you call me Connor the Pier Builder? NO!"

"But ya F**K one goat...!"

[Varnae]

A pastor goes out bear hunting one day. He sees a bear and gets it in his sights but when he pulls the trigger the rifle only clicks. The bear hears the click and comes charging at him. The only thing the pastor can think to do is climb the nearest tree, but when he does the bear just shakes the tree.

Due to the shaking the pastor falls out of the tree. The bear begins to approach the pastor and the pastor knowing he's about to die begins praying.

He prays "Lord I really need your help right now. If you could see to it Lord, I'd really appreciate it if you could make this bear a Christian bear! Yeah, that's it! Make it a Christian bear Lord!"

The bear gets to the pastor puts its paw on his chest and then stops. It looks up to the sky and says "Lord I'd like to thank you for this meal I'm about to receive..."

[Varnae]

A man goes running into a vets office one day with a bundle in his hands. He's frantic so the receptionist puts him in one of the exam rooms and summons the vet immediately.

The vet comes into the exams room and the man opens up the bundle to reveal a parrot that is obviously dead. The vet picks it up and looks it over and says "I'm sorry Sir, but your parrot is dead."

The man begins to get loud and irate. He yells "That's it? You're not even going to run any tests or anything?"

The vet, trying to calm the man down says "ok ok ok, hang on just a minute. He walks over to the door and opens it slightly and in walks a cat. It jumps up on the exam table, sniffs the bird over from head to tail, looks up at the vet, shakes its head, jumps down off the table and walks out of the room.

The vet opens the door slightly wider and a Labrador Retriever walks in. It puts its paws up on the exam table, once again it sniffs the bird from head to tail and then back again. It sits down, looks at the vet and gives him the "sad puppy eyes", then walks out of the room.

The man looks at the vet and says "well if two other animals can detect that my bird is dead, I suppose it's dead." He then asks the doctor "How much do I owe you?"

The vet says "$350."

"$350?!?!?!" The man yells. "You want to charge me $350 just to tell me that my bird is dead?!?!"

The vet looks at him and shrugs and then says "Hey, I was only gonna charge you $20, but you had to have the "cat scan" and the "lab report"..."

[latexeses]

One of my all time favorites....

A Philipino farmer gets on a big airliner for his first trip. His seat winds up being right beside a Texas rancher with a huge spread of land.
The Philipino farmer can't help but notice the cowboy hat and the cowboy boots his neighbor is wearing and asks...
"You a farmer? "
The Texan looks over, smiles and says"Yep"
The Philipino says "Oh ya. I'm a farmer too. How big's your place?"
The Texan leans back and pushes the brim of his hat back with his thumb and says " Well, I get up in the morning and get in my truck and start driving and I can barely get to the other side of my land by dark".
The Philipino says "Yea, I used to have a truck like that once too".

[BrianB]

Thomas wished to purchase a gift

for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night.

All My Love,

Thomas

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[planedick]

Harley Davidson facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles, have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yes, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, from a professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his CELESTIAL SUPERCOMPUTER, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Stralya]

[egsols]

How to frame a shot

[chrisso]

was at an ATM the other day when an old lady next to me asked me to check her balance. I pushed her over.
_________________

[prometheus578]

Finally....

After forty three pages of mediocre humor....
a joke I can relate to.

[Stralya]

Hey Prom..

You sure your not Australian?