J O T D

[Cobia]

More ponderables

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someonebelieve you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[Varnae]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane and start talking. The priest asks the rabbi, " so is it true that in your religion you're not allowed to eat pork?"

"Yes", says the rabbi "it is strictly forbidden. They are cloven hoofed animals and unclean thus we cannot partake of their flesh".

"Have you ever...?" asks the priest.

"Well I must admit there was one time in a moment of weakness I broke down and had a ham sandwich" admits the rabbi.

The priest nods in acknowledgment.

The rabbi asks the priest "so is it true that in your religion that you're not allowed to have sex?"

"Oh that's absolutely true" admits the priest.

"Have you ever...?" asks the rabbi

"I must admit there was one time in a moment of weakness, I broke down and allowed myself to be seduced by one of the women in my church" admits the priest.

The rabbi nods in acknowledgment.

They sit in silence for a few moments pondering the revelations of each other when rabbi grins, turns to the priest and asks "It beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Wildkat]

Keyboard for Blondes

Keyboard for Blondes

[chrisso]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a
Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. "I expect you
men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the
pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"


The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea
fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and
I no coulda finda him nowhere."


Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."


The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese gent.


Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells,
.
.
."SUPPLIES!!!!"

[wa407mpp]

Letter to the Bank

Dear Sirs:

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly?
If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficent funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or you?

[wa407mpp]

A little Puget Sound humor.

A blond was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Puget Sound. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young man saw her teetering on the pier crying. He took pity on her and said," Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy." The blond nodded "yes" through her tears. After all what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What the heck are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily.
"I have an arrangement with one of the crew" she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly) he's taking advantage of me so to speak(wink, wink)'.
"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said, This is the Bremerton Ferry."

[trbig]

Keyboard for Blondes

My blonde wife said that keyboard is BS. She insists that no REAL blonde would take the time to count those dots on the numerical pad! lol. Besides.. if the number is over 5 and they have to use the other hand to count.. how are they supposed to type?

Tod

P.S. After her reading this... she told me that if it gets really cold, there are still a couple more ways to type.. but those won't be "Fat Finger" typos...

[Wildkat]

My blonde wife said that keyboard is BS. She insists that no REAL blonde would take the time to count those dots on the numerical pad! lol. Besides.. if the number is over 5 and they have to use the other hand to count.. how are they supposed to type?

It's all good... if you check out the website for that keyboard... it talks... so they don't have to think...


She doesn't have anything to worry about anyway... your wife is one of those rare smart blondes...

(man! I hope we don't have a lot of blondes reading this one)

[trbig]

your wife is one of those rare smart blondes...

I don't know about that... look who she married!? (Just beating Prometheus to the punch here.. )

Tod

[Stralya]

I thought a smart blonde was called a Labrador?

[Special Ed]

Not to change to subject, but...

An apparently not too bright Oregonian was busted for not only shooting, but also eating a bald eagle. At his sentencing the curious judge asked him, “what does a bald eagle taste like anyway?”
“Well,” responded the miscreant, “ it’s sorta gamy like a peregrine falcon, and greasy like a whooping crane.”
His sentence was harsh.
Special Ed

[Ken Talbot]

The Doghouse

Seen this one yet about the dog house?

Takes a while to load, definitely not dial-up friendly...

[DGXSER]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

*
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"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[red bandit]

Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.


Santa replies back: Send me your mother!

[Guy_b_g]

The Texan, Californian, And Oregonian

This is especially for SpecialED..

The Texan, Californian, And Oregonian
A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long draught, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Californian looks at him and says, “What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!”

The Texan says, “In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap.”

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.

The Oregonian can’t believe his eyes, “What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of champagne!”

The Californian says, “In California, we have plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”

So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Full Sail Amber Ale. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian.

The Texan, shocked, says, “Why the hell did you do that?!”

The Oregonian replies, “In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel.”

(PS, I only live in Florida...am still an Oregonian)