J O T D

[fredintoon]

Back at the Seniors home - - -

- - - two of the ladies were discussing a newly joined gentleman:-
How was it when he took you out on a date?
It was wonderful, I wore a pretty new dress, he wore a nice suit and he took me in a cab to an expensive restaurant. While we were out he was a perfect gentleman but when we got back to his room he turned into a wild animal, tore my new dress right off me and had his way with me. Twice!
So you are saying I shouldn't go out with him?
Oh no dear, I'm saying don't wear a new dress.

[Luv Cookie]

"Genie's Wish Come True"

Genie's Wish

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[Luv Cookie]

The Twist

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'D@mmit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

[GNEPIG]

Three Kick Rule....

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

[planedick]

Vasaline

Salesman for Petroleum Jelly was conducting a survey to find out how people use their product. One woman said she used it on the baby's bottom, for dry hands, and sex. Salesman says, "Your put it on the husband?", she says "No". He says, "You put it on you?", she says "No, we put it on the bedroom door knob, it keeps the kids out".

[BrianB]

Did you know Vaseline in German is pronounced, "Der Weinner Shlider".

[GNEPIG]

Trouble on the home front?

So lately my girl friend has been working a lot of evening shifts, and for the past couple months has been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind, I would rather have someone with her in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems that they have become a little bit more than friends. You know the scenario, the phone calls that hangup, she starts wearing nice clothes to work, talking about him all the time, etc. I don't know what to think. If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for like twenty minutes. I asked her once what they were doing, she said "just talking"....whatever. So last night I decide that I'm going to see what really goes on out there. I leave the garage door open, but turn out all the lights. About the time she usually gets home, I go out and hide in the garage and wait. In a few minutes, his car pulls into my driveway, and I'm hiding behind my bike. When his headlights shine through the garage and onto my bike, I see something that I just can't believe....
The head gasket is leaking! Do you think I should change the gasket / or just re-torque and hope that fixes it?

[Stralya]

Well once a head gasket starts leaking, it's time to replace it. Once a wife starts sneaking....re torque the boyfriends nuts. About 500psi should do it.

[XMRGWX]

Three men are stranded on a desert island and have no food or water.
Suddenly a pack of cannibals jump out of the bushes and tie them up then take them to the cannibal king.
When the arrive they are untied and the cannibal king says, "If you want to live you must perform two tasks and the first is to go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of fruit then return."
The three men go into the jungle and an hour later the first guy comes back with 10 pears.
"Very good," said the cannibal king. "Your next task is to stick them all up your a$$ without showing any sign of emotion."
He sticks the first one up and screams so the cannibals jump on him and eat him.
An hour later another person comes back with 10 grapes and the cannibal king says the same thing.
He gets nine up and then bursts out in laughter so the cannibals jump on him and eat him.
The two first men are up in Heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you start laughing?"
the second looks back at him and says, "I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples."

[hamjam]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself

Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy blonde hair, and long graceful legs all the way up.

You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.

No, wait; I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now I'm talking kinky the whole night long.

You name it, we'll do it.

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.

Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9"

[fredintoon]

In the time of the first post-war Labour government Mr Atlee sent a 3 man trade delegation to an Islamic country to kiss arse about oil concessions.
Two were trade union leaders and one was a token small businessman.
Alas that they took a wrong turn and ended up in the Sultan's harem where they were caught by the guards. Dragged in chains before the Sultan he told them that the punishment was to be castrated with the tools of their own trade.
"Who are you and what is your trade"
"I am John Smith and I lead the ironworkers union"
"Thus, you are a blacksmith, bring the hammer and the anvil"
And it was done.
Again, "who are you and what is your trade?"
I am Bill Brown and I lead the woodworkers union."
"Thus, you are a carpenter, bring the bench-vise and the crosscut saw."
And it was done.
By this time the third delegate is laughing out loud.
"And what do you find that's so funny?"
"I am Morrie Isaacs, I operate a specialist confectionery, our sole product is the all day sucker." - - -

[hamjam]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

[BrianB]

New Rules

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.

[GNEPIG]

LoL, you people are killin me with these jokes! I'm LMAO over here!

The Pink Angels
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocqQXG7abRI

I bet this one was a real sell out.
Something tells me that mro will remember this movie.

[XMRGWX]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."