J O T D

[BrianB]

An American hooker made her lifes fortune by the age of 35. So she decided to retire and marry a virgin. After several months of searching she found a 41 year old man in Australia who claimed to be one.

After a short and excited courtship they decided to get married. On their honeymoon the hooker went into the bathroom to get ready and told her new husband to be waiting on her.

When she stepped into the bedroom she found him standing there with all the funiture pushed up against the walls. And she said " What the heck, I thought you said you have never been with a woman ?"

He replied " I havn't, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, we'll need all the room we can get. "

[Stralya]

Ha bloody Ha

[LoHo]

Diver Ray and Pat Kelly decide to spend the day fishing. Neither of them has a boat, so they inquire at the marina and rent a small fishing boat.

They drift about for a while without a nibble, spending the time talking without doing much listening. Then, all at once, both XSives have a fish on the line. They each land a nice trout, then another, and another, until they are both limited out.

Pat turns to Ray and says "You know, this was a great day! We should mark this spot and fish here again." With that, Pat pulls out a MagicMarker and draws a big "X" on the side of the rental boat, right near the waterline.

Ray is incredulous. "C'mon, Pat, what are you thinking? What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

[fredintoon]

C'mon Brian,
Stralya knows you are lying. As with every other antipodean, he knows that 'roos are just like sheep. Once you drop that black cloth bag over their heads they just stand there no matter what.

[LoHo]

Uncle Spot catches a gig as a magician on a cruise ship, thinking that would be a great way to get a vacation and maybe make a buck or two. He reads up on magic, practices the slight of hand, and gets to be fairly good at it.

Once at sea, The now-named Amazing Ronaldo is a fixture on the cruise curcuit. Then one day, to spice up his act, he buys a talking parrot as a prop.

At first all goes well...then the parrot starts calling out the secrets of Ronaldo's act: "It's in the hat!"... "He palmed the coin and pocketed it!".... This goes on for days, and Ron decides that the parrot has to go as soon as they make port.

Before that occurs, the ship strikes a coral reef in the night and tears a huge gouge in the hull and sinks quickly. Ron barely makes it to a floating lounge chair and survives. As fate (and jokes) would have it, the parrot is saved by the same flotsam.

For three days they drift in the south Atlantic, neither speaking to the other. Then, on the fourth day, the parrot speaks:

"Okay, I give...where's the ship?"

[trbig]

Once you drop that black cloth bag over their heads they just stand there no matter what.

Never heard of this Fred... but sounds like a man talking from XSperience?!? I'll take your word for it... lol



Tod

[planedick]

July 8, 1947

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 Years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S . Air Force and other federal Agencies and organizations.


However, what you may NOT know is that following the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer


See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

[fredintoon]

~82,000 - - -

- - - that's the number of Google hits on "gestation period, sheep" which is a joke in itself, right? It appears that a sheep's gestation period is about 5 months. So it seems that either Planedick's theory is bunk, or that sexual predator Aliens managed to lurk undetected for four months as they tracked down their prey.
I guess that what it takes to actually achieve impregnation while molesting a sheep is an Alien black bag dropped over their woolly heads.

[BrianB]

What happened was it took them 4 months to weed out all the Ugly ones.

[fredintoon]

4 months wasted in sheep country

Hi Brian,
as it is between humans, so it presumably is between Aliens & sheep. There is no connection between one's partner's good looks (or lack thereof) and their capacity for passion.

[BrianB]

OH YEA!!! I forgot that they had Alien black bags dropped over their woolly heads!!!

[LoHo]

Originally posted by BrianB
What happened was it took them 4 months to weed out all the Ugly ones.

Of course, everyone knows what ugly sheep are for...that's where we get virgin wool.

Chuck Norris took a vacation to the Virgin Islands. Now they're just called the Islands....

[BrianB]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? So the sheep won't hear the zipper.

[Luv Cookie]

Understanding conversations with women

In an effort to help men understand women a little more, I thought I would share some definitions to some words women use. I hope you will find it helpful.

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to drop it.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Luv Cookie]

The pharmacist
(November 9, 2007)

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."