J O T D

[xs11jack]

New Bopk

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[xs11jack]

x rated

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[xs11jack]

Fairies are...

A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.
She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband"
The fairy waved her magic wand; and - Poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and ten thousand dollars appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
The Moral of the Story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember; Fairies are Female.

[xs11jack]

Arab

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
POOF! The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF! The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
POOF! The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

[xs11jack]

Coma

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

[xs11jack]

A Quandary

You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered that a meteor is headed straight towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in two days at approximately 2:30 AM eastern time. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth.
France and the United Nations have urgently requested that the United States fire all of its missiles at the meteor and that it send all available ships, troops and aircraft to help evacuate the country.
Many of these ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.
As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live on CNN, or do you tape it and watch it in the morning?

[xs11jack]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[xs11jack]

Sportsman Double

The other night, I ended up with an older woman at a night club. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a “Sportsman's Double?”
“What's that?” I asked.
“It's a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.
“Oh.” I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, “No, I haven't.” And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, and then she says with a wink that tonight was “my lucky night”.
We went back to her place.
We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: “Mom, you still awake?”

[Special Ed]

An elderly American gentleman steps off a plane in Paris France. A stereotypical snotty Frenchman in uniform asks him for “his papers.” The American fumbles for his “papers” and the Frenchman impatiently ask the American “have you ever been to France before?”
“Yes,” replies the American.
“Then you know you must present your passport in order to step onto French soil!”
“I’m sorry,” replies the old man, “but when I landed on the beaches of Normandy there were no Frenchmen there to check my papers.”

A belated happy Independence Day!
Special Ed

[trbig]

Not in the slightest bit politically correct, but I laughed..




Two families moved from Pakistan to America . When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "F@&* off, towel head!"



Tod

[fredintoon]

- - - The second man replied, "F@&* off, towel head!" - -

Hi Tod,
it's Sikhs and Hindus from India that habitually wear turbans. Pakistanis follow Islam and typically wear a knitted beanie or go bareheaded.
So the response should be "F**k off Wog!"
Or to be truly Americanized, the second Pakistani would not know there was a difference, right?

[trbig]

Too much thought into a joke. Fred. Just shut up and laugh..


Tod

[fredintoon]

Too much thought into a joke. Fred. Just shut up and laugh.. Tod

Hi Tod,
I just did. GOTCHA!

[Bigfoot]

Our dog gave birth today it had a litter of 8 puppies.

My wife said they were so cute she could just eat them up.

But was she grateful when I cooked one?!

[Bigfoot]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"