J O T D

[Geezer]

Thanx, that's the one I was thinking about.

Geezer

Many years ago, three priests, one just out of the seminary, one in middle age, and one close to retirement, had to travel by train to Pittsburgh. They arrived at the station and the youngest of the three was assigned to purchase the tickets.

Naturally, the ticket agent was an extremely attractive and very busty young woman wearing a low-cut sweater and displaying plenty of cleavage. Just as naturally, the young priest lost his nerve and requested "three pickets to Tittsburgh, please." "I beg your pardon?" the young woman said, and realizing what he had said, he walked away from the counter, red as a beet.

He explained the situation to his two travel companions, and the middle aged priest agreed to handle the purchase. Just as quickly, he managed to come unglued and asked for "three pickets to Tittsburgh."

The oldest priest lost his patience when he heard that neither of the younger men could handle a simple assignment, and stormed up to the ticket counter and asked for "three tickets to Pittsburgh." At the end of the sale, he lectured the young woman, "Young lady, the way you're dressed is a disgrace. If you were to die today and appear in Heaven dressed like that, St. Finger would shake his Peter at you."

[b.walker5]

Ok, Let's Offend Everybody!

1. Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

2. Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

3. Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

4. Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

5. Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

6. Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

7. Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

8. Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

9. Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'

10. Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

[Jerry]

Computer humor

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?

**************

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

[DiverRay]

That was IBM about 1986/1987. The FRU was for the Field Service Engineer to keep the customers happy with the $4,000 "desktop" PC. As IBM used two suppliers for the mice, they used two different types of roller balls.

[latexeses]

.......And who would want to admit that their balls wouldn't work?

[John]

Here's a couple:
What is the difference between a teacup and a peecup? A teacup is something you drink from and a peekup is something a Mexican drives.

There are two men, one in NY and the other is in LA. The Guy in LA is is walking on a tightrope 80 feet in the air. The New Yorker is being serviced orally by an 80 year old, toothless woman. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gag, choke, cough, gag, choke...

[crazy steve]

Ok, this should get some people goin....

A young nubile girl is walking down the street when a guy on a large black motorcycle pulls up next to her.

Bike: Hey girl, like to go for a ride?

Girl: No thank you.

She keeps walking, and the bike catches up again.

Bike: Hey, I'll give you $10 if you'll go for a ride...

Girl: I said no thanks!

And she speeds up her pace. The bike speeds up to her...

Bike: Hey, I'll give you $20 and some candy!

The girl stops and turns...

Girl: I said no, dad, and it's not my fault you didn't buy a Harley!

'78E original owner

[b.walker5]

Way i heard it was ...I said no, dad, and it's not my fault you bought a Harley!

[b.walker5]

A teacher in a Detroit , Michigan elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said:

"Up against the wall mother f**ker!"



I guess there's not too many farms in Detroit ..... ...

[Trainzz]

Relevancy is funny

So anyway, the president, an Irish cop , and a Harvard professor walk into a bar...........(insert punch line here)!

Evil grin!

[oseaghdha]

If Only..........

[WMarshy]

...........(insert punch line here)!

Reminds me of something I read on the bathroom wall in a local bar.

"The joke might be in your hand, but the punch line is in your mouth!" lol

[tmworks]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

[cueball]

Seven wise men made up their minds,
To build them a pussy of their own designs.

First a carpenter, full of wit,
With a hammer and chisel he gave it the split.

Second a blacksmith, black as coal,
With an anvil and sledge he gave it the hole.

Third a tailor, tall and thin,
With a piece of red ribbon he lined it within.

Fourth a furrier, big and stout,
With the hair of a bear he lined it without.

Fifth a fisherman, old and bent,
With a rotten herring he gave it the scent.

Sixth a preacher, wih a BA degree,
He patted it and felt it and said it would pee.

Seventh a rabbi, a mean little runt,
He f#$&%d it and blessed it and called it a ****.

[Wildkat]

Perspective

FARM KID in the Marines

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)


Dear Ma and Pa,



I am well. Hope you are.. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy... It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'-6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'-8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.






Your loving daughter,

Alice