J O T D

[BrianB]

FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.



After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,
there
were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door
and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair.
. . Kill her!!"



The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent
said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go
home."



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard,
one after another. There was screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.



The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from
her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him
to
death with the chair."





MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

[BrianB]

Out Sourcing

Was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...





Its been a slow day at work today.

[Stralya]

Newlywed's secrets.

A newlywed couple were relaxing by the huge pool in the resort where they were spending their honeymoon. The Groom said to the Bride, "Darling, I want us to be totally honest with each other all of our lives together, let's not keep any secrets between us, OK?" The Bride agreed readily. With that, the Groom approached the high diving platform, climbed to the 10m platform and performed a perfect Handstand inward two and a half somersault with twist, and barely made a ripple on entry. Astonished, the other holidaymakers rose as one and loudly applauded this unexpected feat of athletic perfection. The Bride, jaw agape, asked her new Groom, "Darling, how on Earth did you manage that?" Well Sweetheart, I won Gold for Australia at the 2000 Sydney Olympics, I actually won three Gold medals that meet." "That's amazing!" She said but added, "I thought we weren't going to keep any secrets from each other?" Oh darling," He said, "That's no secret, it was widely reported at the time and I thought you knew, anyway, I don't like to brag."

"OK Honey." She said. "I think I'll go for a swim." She got up and stood atop of one of the starting blocks, adopted a racing start position and executed a perfect racing start. She tore down the first 50m in under 20 seconds and hardly increased her lap times for the next nine laps of the pool. Clearly a new World Record had just been set in front of these holidaymakers and her new husband. Wild applause ensued and a sports agent staying there immediately got on the phone. Big things were in the offing for the new Bride to be sure.

Mesmerised by his new wife's performance in the pool, the Groom asked breathlessly, "How on Earth did you learn to swim so fast?" "Well, she said, You know how we agreed not to keep secrets from one another? well I guess you should know. I was a prostitute in Venice and worked both sides of the street."

I thank you.

[BrianB]

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v1...sc/Chicken.jpg


We'll just save this one as a link...

[GNEPIG]

LOL, Brian that's sick............................(I love it!)

You too Stralya... Cheers and Beers for both of ya

[mro]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.


mro

[GNEPIG]

That's it..... I'm Done!

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking.... Scared the sh!t out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.

[HobbyMan]

Good one(s)

[Luv Cookie]

CAKE OR BED

A H USBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"

[SiP]

Man comes home after a hard day at work.

Sits in his chair, flicks on the TV and calls his wife.

"Honey would you grab me a beer? It's going to start in a minute"

She comes to the door and says "Sure"

A few minutes later he calls again "Sweetheart would you grab another cold one it's gonna start any second now"

Again she comes to the door "Well Ok then"

A few more minutes go by and once more he calls out

"Baby, would you bring me another beer"

She comes to the door and just lets him have it

"I cook, I clean, I look after two kids, I work all day keeping this house in order and all you want is to sit there and drink beer!!"

There's a couple of seconds silence, then the man sighs and says

"There we go - it's started"

[BrianB]

Hooked on Phonics

Good one Sip.

WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET, READ ON

Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"


Deep breath .. "What did you call it?"


"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
and so it does ... "A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?

[planedick]

Cat bathing as a marshall art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

1.Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
2.Know that a cat has claws, and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3.Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
4.Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
5.Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single fluid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)
6.Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
7.In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

[GNEPIG]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.'

'Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'


'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times...'

[GNEPIG]

School Daze

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring,
"I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied,
"It's a puppy!"

[hamjam]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon
a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat
hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a price difference for the politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of s**t, it takes all morning."