J O T D

[tmworks]

Pharmacology

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[fredintoon]

"a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them."
Hi TM,
if I met an elderly person with perky boobs and a huge erection I'd know exactly what to do:-
Run Awaaaay!
(coincidentally, that's the Hill family motto)

[BrianB]

[GNEPIG]

Three knots for Dave

Dave, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, just for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ? '

The prostitute replies, 'Well Dave, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots ?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ??'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!'

[GNEPIG]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

" Well, " he said, " It's what mommy calls me sometimes ."

The little girl screams to her brother ,

" Don' t eat it, it's an a**hole!!"

[planedick]

Love this thread

He he, nothing like a little laugh to start the day.....

[Luv Cookie]

Best Toast of the Night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the
top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for
the Best toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next
day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[hamjam]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-Continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower, and at 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own ****ing blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End

[tmworks]

New Drugs

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

[tmworks]

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys for the weekend.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female..... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND....
He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don't know; it has never happened.

He said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
She said: They already have boyfriends.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[SiP]

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he
> met at a bar.
>
> She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while
> they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a
> "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.
>
> He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back
> one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says,
> "Tonight's your lucky night."
>
> So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light as they enter and
> she shouts upstairs:
>
> "Mom! You still awake?"

[GNEPIG]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him up to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he is gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."

[GNEPIG]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, “Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms?" “WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[BrianB]

The Tetanus Shot

The old man struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat.


His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,

"Where are you going?"


He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."


She says, "Why, are you sick?"


He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that

Viagra stuff."


Immediately the wife starts working and positioning

herself to get out of

her rocker and then begins to put on her coat.


The old man says, "Where the hell are you going?"


She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."


He says, "Why, what do you need?"


She says, "If you're going to start using that

rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[BrianB]

How Long Must This Go On?

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London .



One took a window seat and the other



Sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,



Wiggled his toes and was settling in when the



Arab in the window seat said,



"I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don' t get up," said the Marine,



"I'm in the aisle seat,



I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs



Picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other



Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the



Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.



As the plane was landing,



The Marine slipped his feet into his shoes



And knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.



"How long must this go on?



This fighting between our nations?



This hatred? This animosity?



This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"






THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN