J O T D

[Luv Cookie]

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black-n-Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[Luv Cookie]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually

attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always w hat they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over one hundred and twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.


Just send the bottle back."

[Stralya]

[BrianB]

Great Jokes!!!

[Stralya]

Hey Brian

You need to copy and paste the img code in the little window under the smilies thus

Dan

[Stralya]

Oh, OK...

Too slow

[planedick]

She's got his number....

A professor of mathematics sends a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrives at the hotel, there is a faxed letter waiting for him that reads as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.

Your Wife

[exquized1]

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour, surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask,
'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here

to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again,'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he might elevate his vital signs from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment & sheepishly pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & carefully
takes his testicles in the other, lifting & moving t hem around. Then
she takes a close look & gently replaces his gown & bedding. 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir.'

With difficulty, the man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her &
says
slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was really wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely.

ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?'

[GNEPIG]

New Truck

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?'

'Bobby Sue gave it to me' Bubba replied

'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.

She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.


So I took the truck!'

[mro]

offensive to some...

http://shock.military.com/Shock/vide...yContent=98380


mro

[planedick]

Don't choke in a Southern resturant...

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to o the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[John]

Religious Joke

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says"What is this, some kind of a joke"?

[exquized1]

MID-LIF CRISES

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE
DAY AND SAID,
'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT,
A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND
WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV,
BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND
PLASMA
SCREEN TV,
BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A
HOT
25-YEAR-OLD GAL,
AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP
APARTMENT,
DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH
BLACK
AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?
THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

[BrianB]

So you heard about the gent in the toilets standing next to the tall Afro-American man, and he notices how inferior his own equipment is. So he gets up the courage and asks the tall fellow how he got to be so well equipped.

The tall fellow tells him that he ties a house brick to it and walks around a couple of hours each day, and it just grew.

A few weeks later they bump into each other and the tall guy asks the other one how things are going.

He replies "I think its working, its already gone black!"

[GNEPIG]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and promised himself a vacation after the next big score. Then, he clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, the burglar shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."