J O T D

[planedick]

Daylight savings time



I hope this is viewd as funny. I don't want to be told it should have been in the hot topics forum....

Anyway, I think it's funny....

[Yahman]

I like it.

Daylight savings time, what a crock!

Larry

[XJOK2PLAY]

PlaneDick...
Don't sweat it...
I've always felt that FUNNY comedy happens when irony & truth collide with outrageous...

That's funny because there's so much truth in it! HeHe

[DiverRay]

Hey, I'M not going to say anything!!!
It DOES it really close to home, though!

[Luv Cookie]

Sex Frogs

If this is a repeat....forgive me

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says: "SEX FROGS" Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody is looking.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!”

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you.
5. Allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
20 She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions ... please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"

[Rasputin]

Body Builder and Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

[hamjam]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking
slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we
learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical
students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't
agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two
fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[xs11jack]

John Hinckley

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan..
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:


*

*


To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that....

[tmworks]

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'

---AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

[Incubus]

At the Guinness brewery in Dublin, an unfortunate worker fell into one of the giant vats of stout and drowned. The local garda called an inquiry and rounded up the seven witnesses who saw poor Seamus go down.

One by one they told of his struggles against the brew in his final moments, as fatigue overcame he and he slipped below the suds. The last witness was O'Toole, who gave a similar account.

"Did he suffer?" the magistrate finally asked, woefully.

"I don't believe he did," O'Toole said. "He got out eight times to use the facilities."

[planedick]

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?

[Luv Cookie]

Millionare makes Proposal
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

[Luv Cookie]

Valuables?

Three men are in a car which is about to crash. They all decided to throw out one valuable item.

The first person throws out a rock. The second throws out a pen. The third throws out a grenade.

Their car crashes and they survive the crash. Then, they all start walking back to get their valuable items.

The first man sees a little girl crying and asks her, "Little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl replies, "Someone threw a rock at me!"

The second guy sees a little boy crying and asks him, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The little boy replies, "Someone threw a pen at me and poked me in the eye!"

The third guy sees a fat kid laughing really hard and so he asks him, "Hey kid, why are you laughing so hard?" The fat kid replies, "I farted and my house blew up."

[planedick]

Pregnant Italian girl

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him. 'You gonna try again.

[DenyP]

New Computer anyone?

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............




Deny