J O T D

[trbig]

In the wet, I've put my boots down on the ground and stood up while riding.. letting the bike pull me along the road. With in-line skates on, this would probably be MUCH easier on my boots! lol.


Tod

[Ivan]

You shouldn't give us that are young and impressionable those kinds of ideas....

[trbig]

Well, since it was while I was with Hobbyman that I did this and HE started it, (At least.. I THINK he did... lol) I think the young impressionable influenced the old and unimpressed? lol.

BUT.. it was mainly done because Kat was behind us and we knew it was driving her crazy! lol. I mean.. what better reason could there be?


Tod

[Wildkat]

BUT.. it was mainly done because Kat was behind us and we knew it was driving her crazy! lol. I mean.. what better reason could there be?


Tod

Apparently... none... since you seem to like to take me on that trip quite frequently...
lol


Now... so we don't hijack the thread anymore... or less...

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

[Rasputin]

A Burgler broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?'he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep',the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed.'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,'replied the bird. 'Moses?'the burglar laughed.'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

[Luv Cookie]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep things from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[Rasputin]

Went for a ride

Went for a ride last night

Now my wife is a little cranky???

I swear I will never figure out women .........

[egleaves]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

[bikerphil]

Tiger Woods Family Photo

[rockjok]

From another (English) motorcycle forum:

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks
badly.
So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a
rooster that they would sell.

The other farmer says, 'Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.
He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem.'
Trouble is, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the
Farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun,' the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen
house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! - All the geese get it.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last the night. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the
next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth
open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with
Buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.'

Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky
above and says,
'Shut it, you're scarin the fanny away.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

[Luv Cookie]

Living Will

If this is a duplicate.....oooppsss - sorry!

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such @sses ...

[XSokieSPECIAL]

I don't think I'll ever mention that to my kids NOW!

[orpheus]

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it from the beer tap. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, I have two brothers. One's in Australia, the other's in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits this is a nice custom.

The cowboy becomes a regular, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to pry, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church so I had to quit drinking.

[egleaves]

Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Tuesday, May 11, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.



Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[STEPPENWOLF]

Egleaves

Eric...bet ya didn't show this to your better half...