J O T D

[egleaves]

Show it to her??? Hell, I enrolled her in at least half of them!

[Incubus]

Did you tell her? And you lived? And can still father children?

Patrick

[xs11jack]

Older woman

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, watched a 10-inch black and white TV, and I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is that I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you're planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go get her."
--------------------------------------------------------
"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed the woman's face, "A-ha! Then I've got him!" she said, boasting. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am," replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you, and taking pictures."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A traveling buyer had been on a trip for three months. Every few weeks he'd send a telegram to his wife saying: "Can't come home. Still buying."
The wife stood it for a while, but when the fourth month started and her husband still had no idea of returning, she decided to do something.
She sent him a telegram. "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Nuns
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania, and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car, and hisses at them through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination”, says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican”, says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine.
“Show him your cross”, says Sister Helen.
“Now you're talking”, says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, “Get the FU__ off the car!”

[tmworks]

Green Spots

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs .. . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."*

[xs11jack]

I came this close!

to spiting beer on my keyboard and monitor. This close!!!!!

[egleaves]

From Fark.com:


The Top Twenty FARK Headlines of 2009:

20: Small plane rapidly plunges into bottom end of Virgin Islands, to be renamed Technical Virgin Islands

19: That foot found at a NY recycling center? Turns out it belonged to a bear. You'd think police could recognize a bearclaw when they see one

18. India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in

17: Bolivian animal rights activists succeed in banning circuses from using animals, but now have to figure out what to do with 22 useless lions, a problem Detroit has faced for years

16: Police in London solve 1 crime for every 1000 CCTV cameras. Or about 2 for every 1984

15: One killed, six injured in pie factory explosion. Blast heard up to 3.14159265 miles away

14: Man gets called into work so he can be fired, returns home to find his house on fire. Wishes he had been laid off

13: Plane crashes in Florida panhandle, no pilot found. Well there's your problem

12: Semi-nude Victoria's Secret fashion models reveal untold talents and you've already clicked the link, haven't you? Have I told you about my mother lately? No, she's doing fine, just making cheesecake and some muffins this morning

11: Fire rips through homeless camp, leaving dozens...well, no worse off, really

10: Carpenters face higher-than-average asbestos death rate, higher-than-average resurrection rate

9: Police find severed head, will later reveal whether it's "linked to body parts found in Hertfordshire." Submitter suspects the answer may be "Not any more"

8: Peephole in door of girl's dorm room reversed; police are looking into it

7: Man at Panda Express eats shoots and leaves

6: Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead

5: 80-ton wave generator works briefly as advertised when it falls into the ocean

4: Baghdad's National Museum reopens six years after looting. Featured displays include mostly a bunch of really heavy stuff

3: Fire officials in SoCal wildfires: "GTFO." Residents: "STFU." Fire: "NOM NOM NOM." Residents: "OMG." Fire department: "DIAF"

2: Jesus prepares to receive Oral

1: Gas blowing out exit brings 69 to a complete halt

[XSokieSPECIAL]

Life

Summary of Life
>
> GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
>
> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
> 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
> 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
> 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
> 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
> 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
> 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: !
>
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
> 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
> 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
>
>
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>
> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
> 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
> 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
>
>
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus..
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
>
> SUCCESS:
>
> At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
> At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
> At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
> At age 50 success is . . . having money.
> At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
> At age 80 success is ... . . not piddling in your pants.

[Rasputin]

Shot my first turkey yesterday. . scared the **** out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awesome !!!

[bikerphil]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it."

[Luv Cookie]

Probably a duplicate but still funny!!

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do?' the homeowner asks

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

[XSokieSPECIAL]

A letter to dad

A father passing by his son's room sees a letter addressed to 'dad'. He opens it. Dear dad: it is with great regret and sorrow i am writing you. I had to elope with my girlfriend to avoid a scene with you and mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacey and she is so nice. I knew you wouldn't approve because she's much older, has tattoos and rides a harley. It's the passion, she's preg...

[trbig]

It appears Greg was smoking something, forgot what he was saying, and didn't finish the joke.


Greg's joke so far...

"Dad, I knocked up a Harley biker slut and I'm getting married."

HAhahahahaha Man, that's hilarious, Greg! lol.


Tod (A.H.)

[tmworks]

These are the only twelve times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use...

12. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, August 6, 1945

11. "What the @#$%, again?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, August 9, 1945

10. "Where the @#$% did all this water come from?" - Captain of Titanic, 1912

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo,1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999

And . . . drum roll . . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -Osama bin Laden, November, 2001

[XSokieSPECIAL]

It appears Greg was smoking something, forgot what he was saying, and didn't finish the joke.


Greg's joke so far...

"Dad, I knocked up a Harley biker slut and I'm getting married."

HAhahahahaha Man, that's hilarious, Greg! lol.


Tod (A.H.)

I guess it was a bit over your head Tod.

Wait a few years

[trbig]

LOL.. It just sounded a lot like the old joke that then followed with..

"Just kidding... but I thought I'd show you things could be worse before I showed you my report card..."


But you're right.. lol. Read it several times, and apparently it is over my head.


Tod