J O T D

[lee_dutcher]

Rolf!!!!

[Rasputin]

Alberta

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Alberta, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Alberta are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Ottawa Ont. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[CatatonicBug]

Saw this on Notalwaysright.com today, and had to share.

(I’m a waitress taking the order of a little girl and her mother.)

Young Daughter: “I’ll get the mac’n’cheese. Extra cheesy!”
Mother: “No, you certainly will not. It’s your third day eating mac n’ cheese, missy! You’re going to get chicken and broccoli.”
Young Daughter: “But mommy! Eddie said that broccoli is bad for you!”
Mother: “Your brother most certainly did not!”
Young Daughter: “Yeah! The other day I saw him smoking his broccoli and when I asked if I could he looked at me and said that it’s very bad for little girls like me. His eyes were all red and everything!”
Mother: “When was this?!”
Young Daughter: “Yesterday! But his friend brought over more broccoli today. They’re weird.”
Me: *feeling very awkward* “Ma’am, I can get the check for you if you’d like to leave?”
Mother: “That’d be great. And could you box up an order of mac’n’cheese please? Oh, and some really good smelling stuff? I figure they’ll have the munchies and I want to torture them.”

[planedick]

Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[jeffe]

A little boy was sitting on a footpath with a bottle of turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had there.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world;it's called turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. '

[bikerphil]

Nice riding, stick to bar hopping......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIP1hchwddY

[tinman905]

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.


How do you catch a tame rabbit.
Tame Way

[CatatonicBug]

This isn't just one joke, but a website that has had me laughing so hard my face hurts! It shows how the autocorrect feature on the iPhone4 creates some interesting converesations!

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

[Special Ed]

A little geezer humor.

Bubba's old man was turning 90, and he thought he would give the ol' boy a special treat, so he hired a “party girl” to entertain him. When she came over she knocked on the door and when the toothless old man answered the door she announced: “I'm here to give you super sex!”
The old man thought for a second and replied: “I'll take the soup...”
Special Ed

[xs11jack]

This is for our brothers in waterworld.

There was an Aussie guy driving his truck in the Australian outback. And 'cos he's in the Aussie outback he has a roo-bar on the front of his truck incase he hits something.

Suddenly he hits something big. He radio's into his station and says 'Hey guys, I've got a pig stuck in my roo-bar, how do I get it out?'

They radio back to him saying 'Cut the stomach open and the guts will fall out.'

He does this, then radios back in, 'Hey guys, I've got another problem...'

'What's that?'

'What do I do with the motorcycle and the helmet?'

[xs11jack]

Deer Camp

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ken's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ken's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ken sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

[xs11jack]

Another Blonde joke

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

[xs11jack]

The difference between Grandpa and Grandma

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

[xs11jack]

Beer men into women

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

[xs11jack]

Santa Claus

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."