J O T D

[planedick]

Some limit

There is some limit to the degree of sickness that MC riding will help, I suppose. If you're that bad off you might be better off going more often. LOL To see the shrink I mean.

Don't get mad, I'm just trying to be funny. I got the tag line from a sticker I got at the store.....

[Rasputin]

The Hunting Accident
Long story short, a guy goes hunting.
A gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes

[Kronk]

Bubba and Cleatus were out hunting and arguing about putting on their orange vests.
Bubba got so hot headed about the issue he shot Cleatus in the foot.
Cleatus passed out from the pain.
Bubba panicked, and called 9-1-1,
The dispatcher said ''What is your Emergency?''
to whitch Bubba yelled ''It's Cleatus! I think I killed him. He's dead!''
''Sir'' the dispatcher said I need ''you to calm down and make sure he is infact dead. Do you know how to do that?''
Bubba took a deap breath, and said ''yeah, I know what to do...''

BANG!!!

The dispatcher is still off work due to emotional damage. Bubba is in jail.

[Wildkat]

For the Cowboy fans (and haters lol)

COWBOYS TRAINING SUSPENDED ARLINGTON --Training at the NFL's Cowboys stadium was delayed nearly two hours this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the NFL team thought it was a prank. Training was immediately suspended while police and Homeland Security officials were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, Dallas Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and Homeland Security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.





(borrowed this one from a friend Thank you )

[Kronk]

... I just did the math and realised that I was the product of birthday rhomping...

[b.walker5]

My kind of Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

[crazy steve]

Ya gotta love this one.....

http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/...de-Magnet.html

[DGXSER]

True effects of Global Warming

Here is some of the real horrible effects of Global Warming, and the excess cutting of trees.......

[xs11jack]

another true hunting story

As you all know, the hunting stories posted here are as truthfull as we can make them. So I present here the story of my hunting trip to Canada.
This year I went the Saskatoon area to hunt. Each time I go, Fred gathers a bunch of fellow hunters and XS11 riders. This year was a little different. Although is not well known, Fred is a bit vane about his appearance. The problem is that he needs glasses to see distances, but will not wear them. So on the first day in the woods, we all went our individual ways. Fred slipped between the tress and bushes, and about 8:00 am,l saw the bushes ahead of him moving! He carefully aimed his .303 British rifle at the bushes and let fly! He went running over there and found he had killed the animal with one shot. Next he begain the task of draging it to the camp. He was almost them when he met another hunter in our party. The hunter saw what Fred was dragging and went ghost white. Fred, Fred, that isn't a deer, That's Jack Higgens, my next door neighbor! Oh, this terrible, I was sure that is was a deer!! We have to do something, maybe we can get help in town at one of our helthcare clinics. His friend said that there wasn't much hope but he would haul Fred and the unlucky Jack to town. In town they found a clinic and brought Jack to the emergency room, and went to the waiting room to see what could be done. A while later the surgeon came out to talk to them. Fred jumped up and said doc you gotta do your best, you gotta save him!! The surgeon turned to Fred and said well Fred, it would have been easier if you hadn't field dressed him!!!!
Ole 'straight shooter' Jack

[planedick]

My living will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine

and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine


The little bastards.

[planedick]

Old butch

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.

[Rasputin]

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!

[Rasputin]

What would you do

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight. While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100 the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it!! I lied when I told you I inherited the money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to- side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[planedick]

Baby doctor

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

[planedick]

New doctor

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....