J O T D

[xs11jack]

I like this cop!

A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a**hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for A**Hole?"
Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"

[xs11jack]

In the desert

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
POOF! The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF! The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
POOF! The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

[planedick]

Steve goes to the doctor

Steve goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, Steve, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your
Prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

Steve obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great Steve". Now turn over on your left side and again,
While I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, Steve says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good Steve”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
With your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
This hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
To keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

Steve begins, "One .. Two ...Three".

[jmnjrpa]

Hot and cold

The
Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.
Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed
the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature
in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him
to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --
on the controls.



I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself.

[XSive Okie]

A divorce court adjourns, and two rednecks come walking out. The woman is obviously upset and cannot control her sobbing. Finally the man turns to her and says "Aw, honey, what ya crying fer? We're still cousins!".

[b.walker5]

IF YOU MARRY A KIWI GIRL

The first man married a woman from ENGLAND .. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from AUSTRALIA .. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from NEW ZEALAND. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

[slow mo]

beware of dog

A customer in a little country drugstore noticed a sign saying: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" But instead of a well-trained watchdog, all he saw was a harmless old hound dog sleeping on the floor next to the cash register.

"Is that the dog people are supposed to beware of?" he asked the store owner.

"Yessiree, that's him," the owner replied.

The customer couldn't help but laugh. "That sure doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why on Earth would you post that sign?"

"Because, until I hung up that sign, folks kept tripping over him."
__________________ride safe ,,slow mo

[b.walker5]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and
left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN -

AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Jerry]

A 70 year old rich widower named Bob showed up at his country club with a gorgeous 20-somthing on his arm. Bob's friends wer amazed as they met the girl and watched as she hung on to Bob's every word, often putting her head on his shoulder and laughing at all of his jokes.

This went on for about an hour, when Bob's friend Ed managed to get Bob alone. Ed: "How did you get the girlfriend?" Bob: "She's not my girlfiriend, she's my wife." Ed: "How did you manage that?" Bob: "I lied about my age." Ed: "You told her you were 50?" Bob: "No, I told her I was 90."

[Rasputin]

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man..


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32..62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[mxmikie]

girls night out

A group of 15 year old
girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was
agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean
View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy
Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they
might see him and they can ride their bikes there.


10 years later, the
group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the
band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.


10 years later, at 35
years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym
and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little
kids.



10 years later, at 45
years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had
tight pants and nice buns.



10 years later, at 55
years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was
good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good
for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65
years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird
special


10 years later, at 75
years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped
accessible and they even had an elevator!


10 years later, at 85
years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because they had never been there before.

[mxmikie]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains." "First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"

[mxmikie]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

[mxmikie]

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

[mxmikie]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."