J O T D

[BrianB]

I love watching this guy.

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmov...=930836&id=755

[hamjam]

Something Sounds Fishy
“Not tonight Dear – I’ve got a haddock...”

It was February the 29th, being a leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, “Fix the darn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal.”

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the OYSTER Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, “Hi, Gill!” (you have to yell, he's hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.

I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole! Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, 'Salmon Chanted Evening', and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellow tail, and she was giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little fun, you know, a piece of pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom, she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure.

Boy could she drink, she drank like a... She drank a lot! I said, “What's your sign?” She said, “Aquarium.” I said, “Great, let’s get tanked!” I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, “Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows.” She threw me that same old line, “Not tonight, I got a haddock.” And she wasn't kidding either cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I've ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with muscle.

He came over to me and said, “Listen, shrimp, don't you come crawling around here.” What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, “Aaa bologna. You're just being shellfish.” Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill because he was already on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, “Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon.”

Well, the yellow tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and she said, “Hey big boy, you're really a game fish, what's your name?” I said, “Marlin.” Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders, and then I went home with her. Why knot? She was a-lure-ing. But what did I get for my troubles? A case of the crabs.

[Luv Cookie]

Happy Anniversary?!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,


'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'


"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." said the loving wife, looking adoringly at her husband.


The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband' thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!




The husband became 92 years old.




The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful b@stards should remember
fairies are female.

[Wildkat]

[mro]

fairies are female
You've never been to San Francisco


mro

[Luv Cookie]

Free Sex

Two bikers rode into a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up, because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex" said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked one.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"OK. I guess 7," said the other rider.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two guys go back to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the Harley rider.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Y'all come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to their bikes, one said to the other,
"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," came the reply. "My wife won twice last week."

[Ken Talbot]

[GNEPIG]

Miller, Good Call.... Ha ha ha ha!


Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves,
You're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.


'What's so funny?' he asked


'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always working!

[trbig]

Two-fer...

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.


Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'



**************************************************



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked,
and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday
night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass
of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take
it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off
my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now
take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling
hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

[GNEPIG]

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind..
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend

MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing, hunting and off to bike week by myself.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t.

[tmworks]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Luv Cookie]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."


The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"


As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine
that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on
the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."


"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should
cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?


"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[Luv Cookie]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too !"

"What a coincidence," he said, " This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man.

As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks", he said.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

[tmworks]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer..
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[Stralya]