J O T D

[Wildkat]

A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

[CarolynS]

Picture

How fitting!

[mro]

What Do A Freightliner & A Test-Tube Baby Have In Common?
They Are Not Peterbilt

Q. what three words do women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
___
The Aussie
There was an Aussie guy driving his truck in the Australian outback. And 'cos he's in the Aussie outback he has a roo-bar on the front of his truck in case he hits something.

Suddenly he hits something big. He radio's into his station and says 'Hey guys, I've got a pig stuck in my roo-bar, how do I get it out?'

They radio back to him saying 'Cut the stomach open and the guts will fall out.'

He does this, then radios back in, 'Hey guys, I've got another problem...'

'What's that?'

'What do I do with the motorcycle and the helmet?'



mro

[BrianB]

Chelsea Clinton

Chelsea Clinton came home from her first date with a fellow student at College, and Hilary met her at the door. Hilary asked,"How was your evening"? To which Chelsea replied "It was heavenly! I think I'm in love!" Somewhat taken aback, Hilary asks" You didn't have SEX with him, did you"? Chelsea thinks about this for a moment and responds, "Not according to DADDY"!

[BrianB]

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near!

Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash... Bordeaux turns to Thibodaux and asks,

'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say 'Bridge Out'?'

[hamjam]

There was this fellow named Murphy, and as his name would suggest he does not have a lot of good fortune. One of his problems is that if there is a decision to be made he always makes the wrong one. If there are two check out lines at the supermarket he always picks the one that stalls for a price check.. If there are two ways to do something he will pick the most complicated method. If there are two routes to take to work he will pick the one that has the traffic blocked by an accident. You get the point. He agonises over every decision but Murphy’s law haunts him at every turn.
_
Once he needs to make an aeroplane flight and he dreads the decision to make as to flight and airline. To his great relief there is only one airline and one flight going to his destination. No decisions to make.
_
He boards the flight. The plane takes off and Murphy relaxes and is about to fall asleep. He is awoken by a lot of yelling and screaming; it seemed that both engines of the plane were ablaze and the plane was about to crash.
_
Murphy was beside himself. He made no decision so he could not have taken the wrong plane. This was totally beyond his control. In his desperation he started to pray to St Francis the patron saint of crashing planes.
_
As he prays a hand reaches out of the clouds and picks Murphy out of the burning plane. Murphy hears a voice saying “ Murphy! If you pray in my name and truly believe then you shall be saved.
_
Murphy prays “St Francis! I truly believe please save me!”.
_
The voice continued “Murphy I will save you …. Oh, by the way was that St Francis of Xavier or St. Francis of Assisi??

[red bandit]

I've asked this question many times and can not get an answer. Sometimes they just shake their head and walk away. Sometimes they just smile. But no one has ever been able to give me an answer. The question is... If a fart was a turd.... how big would it be?

[hamjam]

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.






Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[tmworks]

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Luv Cookie]

Had a 'hard' week? Try this....

And now a word from our sponsors....


The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called
a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a
particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp
boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the
benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the
purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans,
originally written for other products that captured
the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were
acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their
suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the
laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went
very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Wish my boss had this much imagination!!

[BrianB]

If anybody get this joke let me know

Snakes New Glasses



A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

[BrianB]

Not sure

If a fart was a turd.... how big would it be?

Nobodys seen one. Because A fart is the screaming cry of a trapped Turd.

[Luv Cookie]

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Brian,

IMHO I think he's depressed because his girlfriend/wife is a water hose - not a snake like he is.

[Luv Cookie]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you, ' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon'

'You lying b@stard! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind myback?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'No this time!'


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife ex claimed, 'Schwartz is dead?'


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a d@mned thing.'


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His faithful wife sat at his bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your bestfriend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[BrianB]

KFC honors Hillary