J O T D

[hamjam]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all
night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[planedick]

Stuttering

A man who stuttered walked into a bar and sat at the bar and said, "B-b-b-bartender, a b-b-b-b-bear p-p-please". The bartender got his bear and said, "You know, I used to stutter then a friend told me how to stop it". "My friend said to ask my wife for a b*** j** and after she did I didn't stutter any more". "You should try it". The man said "I_I_I_I w-w-will.

A week later the same guy cam into the bar and said, "B-b-b-bartender, a-a-a-a b-b-b-beer p-p-please". The bartend said, "Did you try what I told you?" Th man said "Y-y-yes, b-b-but s-s-s-she r-r-refused, b-b-but y-y-y-you g-got a n-n-nice h-h-house".

[BrianB]

Home Depot scam! Must read

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers ~

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 22-23 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th, and 29th.
Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

[BrianB]

Golf 101

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.



Naturally, the Doctor asked him,"What happened to you?

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole.......we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture......We went to look for them......and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end......I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough......there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's bacikside.......

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,"Hey, this looks like yours!'......I don't remember much after that ......"

[planedick]

Old people problems

OLD people have problems that you haven't even
> considered yet!
>
> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a
> sperm count as part of his physical exam.
>
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
> this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
>
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
> doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
> clean and empty as on the previous day.
>
> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
> 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my
> right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
> but still nothing.
>
> 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
> her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
> tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
> her teeth out, still nothing.
>
> 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
> she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and
> she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still
> nothing.'
>
> The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
> neighbor?'
>
> The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
> the jar open.'
>
> WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

[trbig]

His and hers diary

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

The XS wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[tmworks]

The Zen of Sarcasm

> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
> may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell
> alone.
>2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
> tire.
> 3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
> newspaper, that's the time to do it.
> 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
> 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
> 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
> 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
> payments.
> 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
> That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
> 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
> 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
> will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a
> wise investment.
> 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
>13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
>14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
> 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
> back in your pocket.
> 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it
> holds the universe together.
> 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
> 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
> 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
> same night

[Jerry]

Why the Y Generation?


Hmm, I've always wondered this myself. Now I know.

- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1963.
- Generation X, people born between 1964 and 1979.
- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995.

Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...

[Luv Cookie]

UP & DOWN SEX


At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?’

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, ‘Up or down?’

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown.'

[fredintoon]

From another list

The Marine Corps
> found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
> retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
> retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
> line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose
> what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted
> asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of
> his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus
> of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter
> and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to
> his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-
> commissioned officer, a grizzly old Gunny who, when asked where he
> would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my
> testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want
> to reconsider,explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
> officers had received. But the old Gunny insisted and they decided
> to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a
> medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the
> Gunny to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the
> tape measure on the tip of the Gunny's weenie and began to work
> back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your
> testicles?' The old Gunny calmly replied, ' Vietnam '

[planedick]

They walk among us...

*Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.*

*Caution... They Walk Among Us!*


*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'*

**They Walk among us!!*

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.' *

**They Walk Among Us!!*

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, wh en we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!*

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kgr.*

**They walk among us! *

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!*

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... *

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!*

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! *


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!*

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.*

**Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!*

*Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!*

[planedick]

Speed trap

Top this for a speeding ticket - Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California .

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A -18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi. Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

[Stralya]

This is for real...

We have an optometrist here who proudly displays his shingle out the front of his practice, now get this, It reads,

C.R.A.Pye, Optometrist.

I kid you not.

I'll get a pic as soon as I can.

[planedick]

A tragedy

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

[planedick]

Computer gender

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.