J O T D

[Stralya]

I'm quite partial to sausage rolls myself.

[hamjam]

drum rolls ... are they anything like spring rolls? ;-)

[SiP]

I - like everyone else in my house am very good at putting the seat and lid down after use.
The reason being we got fed up drying off the cat who gets curious and then falls in!

[trbig]

And THAT... is the exact moment you'd then close the lid!!

You know the old saying.. curiosity killed the cat. It did it to ours when I was a kid in our swiming pool... that was half empty. I SWEAR I had nothing to do with it!! lol

Great... I'll never be allowed around John and Kat's cat again!.. lol


Tod

[Luv Cookie]

Saved by Escargot

Luv Cookie to the rescue......I got your back Kat!


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and _talk_ to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he _dropped_ the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!" ?

[Luv Cookie]

Little Johnny is back......

The Wrong Grade

A first grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs. Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....

Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"

Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"

Johnny; "Arrow."

Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire-truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[fredintoon]

Getting unstuck

Newlyweds return from their honeymoon in Mexico to spend their first night together in their new home. Around 2 a.m. the bride has to use the washroom and considerately doesn't turn the bathroom light on so as not to wake her husband.
Alas that the inconsiderate fool had left the toilet seat up after he'd used it. Thus the slim young bride's elegant rear end slips into the porcelain and she's stuck there. Her screams wake the husband who pulls her arms in vain. "I will call a plumber" he says. Hanging up the phone he says "The plumber will be right round, he has done this before and says it's no problem to get you out of there if you know the trick of it." When the doorbell rings the bride suddenly remembers "But I'm naked!" so the husband tosses her the souvenir bullfighter's hat, "Put that on your lap, that'll cover you" he says.
When the plumber arrives to survey the scene he says, "OK, the lady can be got out no problem, we do this all the time, but that matador is f**ked."

[SG-Olli]

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her suitcases.
Honey, where are you going?
Well, she says, I learned that in Chicago a woman can earn 250 bucks a night for doing things I do for you for free. So I am moving to Chicago.
He gets his suitcases and starts to pack as well.
She: What are you doing?
He: I'm moving to Chicago, too. I'd like to see how you get along with 500 bucks a year.

[Luv Cookie]

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S**

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'

Most Old timers are helpful like that!

[Rhumba]

Bunga Sucks

Three buddies were exploring the Amazon when they were captured by a tribe of locals. They were each tied to a post and the Chief asks the first man, "Death...or Bunga?"

He figures anything is better than death so he chooses Bunga. Every male member of the tribe then lines up behind him and takes turns f%$&ing him in the A##.

The next man is asked the same question and he figures Bunga is better than death so he receives the same treatment.

The third man is asked the same question and he says "F#@% that, I'll take Death!"

The male tribe members all jump up and down yelling...

"Yeah...Death by Bunga!!!"

[Luv Cookie]

Funeral Procession

A young man was walking along the side of a road when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind the man walking the pit bull were 200 men walking single file.

The young man couldn't stand the curiosity. He approached the man walking the dog and said, respectfully, "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it? "

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

The young man asked, "What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog bit her and she died."

The young man inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men and then the young man asked, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[Luv Cookie]

Where do babies come from


One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from.

The mother was amused and said "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well...the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and that's where babies come from."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

[planedick]

Morning sex

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for
breakfast, wearing only the "T" shirt that she normally slept in. As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her "T"
shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[BrianB]

George Carlin's Rules for 2008

I have always loved his humor. May he rest in peace.


In reading this I think Prom will like it.



New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky b-----ds.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a------e. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge a-----e.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of you’re a$$. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, ' Do you want fries with that?'

[dogyear58]

Super XS1100 Humor ???

A biker is riding along a country lane,when a sparrow flies up
in front of him. the biker can't do anything & hits the sparrow.
as he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the bird lying in
the road. being an XS1100 rider, he stops, picks up the
sparrow & takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma.
when the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says,
..........." I must have killed the biker"................


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One sunday an old biker walks into church & sits down in the
front row. as the preacher is biginning his sermon, the devil
suddenly appears at the alter. the members of the congregation,
including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all
except for this one old biker in the front row.

the devil notices the biker still in the church & walks down from the alter to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know
who I am?"

"Why of course I know who you are" the man calmly replies.
"your satan"

" And you're not afraid like the others?" the devil asks
somewhat miffed.

To which the biker replies "No. Why should I be? I' been
marred to your sister for the last 25 years."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An XSer stops by the yamaha shop to have his bike fixed..
thay couldn't do it while he wated, so he said he didn't live far
and would just walk home.

On the way home he stoped at the hardware store bought
a bucket and an anvil. he stoped at the feedstore / livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all his purchases
home.

The owner said, "why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hay, thanks",,the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. she asked,"can you tell me how to
get to 1616 Mockingbird lane"

the bicker said, "Well as a matter of a fact, I live at 1603
Mockingbird lane. let's take my short cut & go down this alley.
We'll be there in a short time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against
the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an
anvil, two chickens, and a goose. how in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do all that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket, and i'll hold the chickens."