J O T D

[slow mo]

damm church!

A crusty old guy walks into the local Church and says
to the secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.'

The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this church.'

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that his secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'

'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. '
'I see,' said the pastor. 'And this bitch is giving you a hard time?'

[STEPPENWOLF]

http://videosift.com/video/Miss-USA-2011-Should-Math-Be-Taught-In-Schools

[Special Ed]

Oh c'mon

This is a put on right? I mean, a hilarious put on, but still a put on right? No?

[STEPPENWOLF]

This is a put on right? I mean, a hilarious put on, but still a put on right? No?

Of course it's true..it's on the internet and in the JOTD thread.

[planedick]

Southern cop humor

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[STEPPENWOLF]

For all the dumb posts we read from time to time...give them a Billy Madison.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKR61D0_0xI&feature=related

[Special Ed]

Link to a funny Daily Show

John Stewart's take on media bias in the Republican primary race. OK, it's political, but still a hoot!
http://www.infowars.com/jon-stewart-...oring-ron-aul/
Special Ed

[xs11jack]

Harley Rider's intelligence test

Stopped into a truck stop for gas one day, I went in to pay, passing a Harley parked in front of the building. Inside, I went looking for a snack and found the Harley rider standing in front of the coffee cups and thermos jugs. He had a thermos in each hand, examining them carfully. He turned to me and said "This says that these things will keep cold things cold and hot things hot. So... How does it know????"
Ole Jack

[johnboi71]

Beer Hormones

not sure if this has been posted before and too lazy to look thru 80 pages


A word of warning to all male beer drinkers.....
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that
by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[cueball]

People Of Limited Intelligence Called Experts

[planedick]

Little red wagon

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[je2wheeler]

A wave in time ....

Q: How do you get a one armed Harley rider out of a tree?

A: Wave at him

[hamjam]

why? he wont wave back to you guys on yamahas

[cywelchjr]

Ironically I actually get more waves from Harley riders than pretty much any other. At least around HERE for most of them, it's more about that you RIDE than about what. Yes, they will RIB me about riding jap crap, but it's a fun jesting, not a mean jesting, as they will rib each other about which model they ride too. As a matter of fact, more than one has commented "I used to own and XS11 back in the day, an awesome bike". Now a one armed BMW rider, they would certainly not wave back unless you were on a BMW and wearing the correct brand of gear.

[GNEPIG]

Joke of the day huh?... Too bad I cant post a picture of my paycheck... Now thats a joke.