J O T D

[je2wheeler]

Bird watch'n

I was able to finish out my Birder's Pocket Logbook with these last entries;

The Ooh-aah Bird. Indigenous to the jungles of New Guinea. A one pound bird that lays a two pound egg. You can see them in the jungle calling, “Ooooooooooh! Aaah.”

The Ke-Ke bird, indigenous to the higher elevations of the Alps. You can see them perched on the icy wind blown mountain tops calling, “Ke, ke, Christ its cold!”

The Ooh-ooh bird, indigenous to the jungles of the Philippines. A small bird with one inch legs and two inch testicles. You can see them landing in the jungle calling, “Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!”

The Rat-a-tat-tat bird, indigenes to the cities of the Philippines. Very similar to the Ooh-ooh bird except you will only see them landing on corrugated tin roofing.

[je2wheeler]

Good Ol' Gunny

After 30 years active duty with the Marines, it was strongly suggested that Gunny retire. After the initial shock settled, Gunny got to thinking how nice it would be to fish and brink beer everyday if he wanted.
After a few weeks of tiring to catch drunken fish, Gunny found himself bored. One evening, while listening to the radio, Gunny heard an add about a local college offering adult sex education classes.
Sex being one of Gunny’s favorite subjects, he decides to attend.
Gunny arrives at the appointed place yet a little late for the class. As gunny inters the class, he sees a class full of men and women of all ages and ethnic persuasions. The pretty young teacher asks Gunny to add his name to her list and to take a seat. As Gunny finds his seat at the back of the class, the teacher says, “Welcome to our Adult Sex Education Class. I have found the best way to set everyone at ease is starting here at the front of the classroom, each of us to stand, give our name and how many ways we know to have sexual intercourse.”
Gunny jumps up and shouts,”34, 34, I know 34 ways!”
The teacher says, “Now Gunny please wait your turn.” Gunny sits down all excited. The teacher points to the first student. The 25 year old man stands, gives his name and says, “I know of 7 ways of having sexual intercourse.”
Gunny jumps up and shouts,”34, 34, I know 34 ways!”
The teacher says, “Now Gunny please wait your turn.” Gunny sits down all excited.
Next a 40 year old woman stands, gives her name and says, “I know of 9 was of having sexual intercourse.”
Gunny jumps up and shouts,”34, 34, I know 34 ways!”
The teacher says, “Now Gunny please wait your turn.” Gunny sits down all excited.
Then a very young girl stands, blushes, gives her name and says, “I only know of 1 way of having sex.”
“Only 1?” Asks the teacher, “What way is that?”
Blushing bright red, the young girl says, “Well that’s where the boy and girl take off their cloths. The girl lies down on the bed on her back and the boy lays down on her and they do it.”
Gunny jumps up and shouts,”35, 35, I know 35 ways!”

[planedick]

Swishing cure

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s
temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water.
I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does nothing…it's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick."

[je2wheeler]

In a baaad way

A Honda rider, a Kawasaki rider and am XS11 rider were riding down a country road one afternoon when they happened upon a lamb stuck in the fence.
The Honda rider says, “I sure wish it was Gwyneth Paltrow.”
The Kawasaki rider says, “I sure wish it was Meg Ryan.”
The XS11 rider says, “I sure wish it was night.”

[je2wheeler]

At the light

Joe and Bob were stopped at a light when they saw a dog on the corner licking his privets.
Joe “I wish I could do that.”
Bob “I don’t know dude, he looks really mean.”

[planedick]

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose.

A young student nurse appears to give
him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and
feet."

He struggles to ask again,
"Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure
and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood
in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

[TheFrugalTech]

National Star Wars Day

Happy National Star Wars Day.
May the 4th be with you!

I have no idea if that's true, nor do I care, but I did find it damn funny.

[xs11jack]

Adultry

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'"

[planedick]

The duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him.

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again, "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..


"What the keck would they want with a plasterer??!"

[trbig]

Sorry if this one's been posted already...



A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a single penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[trbig]

Bubba was walking through the house when he saw his wife sitting on the couch watching a cooking show on TV. Bubba pointed at her, laughing, and said, "What in the world are you watching a show like that for? You can't cook to save your life!"

She rolled her eyes and responded, "Well, you look at porn, don't you?"

[planedick]

Scotch & water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[je2wheeler]

Bag o' what?

A guy walks into a drug store, finds a box of condoms, takes them to the register and pays for them.
“Want a bag for that?” asks the casher.
“No thanks, she isn’t that ugly.”

[je2wheeler]

Osama bin Laden shows up at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter steps out of the gates and says, “I understand that you want in.”

Osama says, “Yes, and I want my 72 virgins.”

Saint Peter says, “Waite here, the big guy is still thinking it over. I’ll check on what is happening.” And steps back in the gate.

Through the gates steps George Washington, walks up to Osama and gives Osama a solid roundhouse to the chin. Osama goes down in a heap.
George Washington says, “That is for attacking the brave people of my great United States of which I am the proud father.” And steps back in the gates.

As Osama gets to his knees, Samuel Adams steps through the gates and helps Osama to his feet. As Osama gets his balance, Samuel Adams gives Osama a very hard hit on his head with his cane. Osama goes down again with a painful gash in his head.
Samuel Adams says, “That is for attacking our American Constitution I worked so hard for.” And he steps back through the gates.

As Osama lies there in withering pain, Thomas Jefferson steps through the gates and gives Osama a swift kick to his head that lifts Osama off the clouds.
“Samuel Adams and I did not see many things the same, but we both agree you have deserved everything you are getting now.” And Thomas Jefferson steps back through the gates.

Saint Peter steps back out the gates as Osama screams, “What is happening to me? I want my 72 virgins!”

Saint Peter says, “72 virgins? No, no, no. You are getting 72 Virginians and you have 69 more to go.

[jwhughes3]

Three blondes

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?

Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"


The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!

His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"







The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."