J O T D

[planedick]

Vet Caps and Morons

A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a ' Viet Nam
Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped
about it, especially because my friend Ron was considerate enough to take
the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in
particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I
retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good
for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing
some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I
digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in
his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a
snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.

"1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it
the
War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that
COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a
low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is
seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.


"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about
this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna
happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't
want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By
this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was
laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a
car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started
pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious
look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in
the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time!

Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

[Rasputin]

And God promised men
that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the world.





Then he made the earth round.

And laughed and laughed and laughed……...

[Toolmaker Tim]

SWMBO loved that one Rasputin!

[Rasputin]

Good Neighbour

It's important to be a good neighbor

This is my neighbor:



She's single...She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door...I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all! "Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" It's no fun being old!!

[Stralya]

Did you know that Lions have sex every 15 minutes? I wish someone had told me that before I joined Rotary.

[je2wheeler]

The gassing

From Reader’s Digest and paraphrased;

A lady goes to her doctor.
“Doctor, I am suffering from silent flatulence. The first thing when I get out of bed, I have silent flatulence. With my husband for morning coffee, I have silent flatulence. At lunch with my friends, I have silent flatulence. Just now I had silent flatulence. Can you help me doctor?”
The doctor says, “Yes, I can, but first I will give a hearing test.”

[fredintoon]

Human statistics

Interesting Statistics
The Amazing Human Body
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
- The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- Women: will be finished reading this by now.
- Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

After reading the above and doing the self-check I found that my thumbs must be of twice the average length.

[Rasputin]

Mowed the lawn today , and after doing so, I sat down and had a couple nice cold "Silver Bullets .” The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.............

[trbig]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up
and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him
where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went
into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and
I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

[slow mo]

duh pope!

> The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.



Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.
>
> "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!" "This is my lottery win" said the photographer "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"



So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.
>
> The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.


> Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"
> Not being one to lie, the Pope replied "two million dollars".
>
> "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" replied the housekeeper "they must have seen you coming!"
>

[BA80]

[je2wheeler]

Reader's Digest put this in their mag with a straight face

From the November 2012 Reader's Digest (paraphrased)
Scientists think our finger prints evolved to allow us better grip but some researchers feel that is not the case when our fingers slip on things like Plexiglas.

I wonder if Ugg and Ally Oop had problems handling Plexiglas as their fingers were evolving.

[BA80]

Ha ha ha ha.........there was probably a REALLY expensive government study on that very thing.

[slow mo]

JUST A JOKE OK!!!!!


Did you know????.




I never knew this.

Did you know “listen” and ”silent” use the same letters?

Do you also know that the words race car spelled backwards still spells ”race car?”

And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate?”

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking arseholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”

How weird is that? English really is a strange language, isn't it!!!!!

[BA80]

JUST A JOKE OK!!!!!


And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking arseholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”

How weird is that? English really is a strange language, isn't it!!!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha..........english Is strange. But only if it's spoken.