J O T D

[stereomind]

ok, I got a couple..

A woman from Oklahoma is relaxing at a beach in California. Nearby, a family from New York is laying out their beach towels, etc. The woman from Oklahoma strikes up a conversation:

-Where are ya'll from?

the woman from New York family responds:

-We're from a place where sentences don't end in prepositions!

The Oklahoma woman then replies,

-Oh, I'm sorry. Let me try again: Where ya'll from, bitch?

[stereomind]

Three jews walk in to a bar.

Bartender says:

"What is this, a f***ing joke?"

[tmworks]

Top Ten Country & Western Songs of 2008.....

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Co untry & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long

[Luv Cookie]

Golf Balls ...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: "Its golf balls".


Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Erik the Red]

three cowboys

So there were three cowboys sitting around the fire, swapping stories; an Oklahoman, a Kansan, and a Texan. The cowboy from Kansas said "Being from Kansas, we're as tough as they come. Watch this." And with that, he grabbed the boiling pot of coffee off the fire and drank it down in one gulp.

Not to be outdone, the cowboy from Oklahoma said "That's nothing. See that rattler over there? Watch this." And he walked over, grabbed the rattler, bit it's head off and drank the venom. Looking at the Texan, he said "Beat that."

But the Texan said nothing. He just stood there, quietly stirring the coals with his penis.

[orpheus]

Bear Hunting

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."

He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.

The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Luv Cookie]

(our son wishes this happened to him!!!!)

Porsche:

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money.

So I did."

Are women good or what?!

[planedick]

Governmentium (Gv)

God bless the hard working government employees who
get the job done in spite of the fact they are surrounded
by those that do as little as possible.

Current global economic and geopolitical issues
provide proof of the existence of a new chemical element.
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element
yet known to science.

The new element, *Governmentium (Gv)*, has one
neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and
198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every
reaction with which it comes in contact with.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a
reaction, that would normally take less than a second, to
take anywhere from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to
six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons
and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever
morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy
as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but
twice as many morons!

[tmworks]

bravo

[hamjam]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but,
here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A Small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he
cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch
says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of
a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small
tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It
is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'
Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on!!

[tmworks]

Golf in the Afterlife

>
> A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and
> inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
> was no afterlife.
>
> After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
> his word he made contact.
> "Connie....Connie."
>
> "Is that you, Joe?"
>
> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
> "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
>
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
> it's off to the golf course.
> I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
> more times.
>
> Then I have lunch (you'd be proud, lots of greens) another romp around

> the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
>
> After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until

> late at night.
> I catch some much needed sleep. The next day it starts all over
again."
>
> "Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
>
> "Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.

[Rasputin]

Achmed the Arab came to Canada from the Middle East, and he was onlyhere a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, **** in de bocket, piss on de ****, and den put your head down over de bocket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, **** in the bucket, pissed on the ****, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

[Guy_b_g]

From someone who's been to the Middle East...you don't know how close to the truth that joke is....(it's the only place I've ever been that smells worse after a rain).

[Luv Cookie]

Chapped Lips

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.


The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[hamjam]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocussed his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.