J O T D

[GNEPIG]

ART APPRECIATION


A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weinees, but the one in the middle had a pink weinee.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weinee also reflects the cultu ral and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and sa id, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy
in the middle went home for lunch."

[BrianB]

Took me a minute but I got it!!! LMAO!!!

[Erik the Red]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[GNEPIG]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir?'

Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies.
The cop asks 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... 'Holy **** ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!'

[EZMoney]

The handyman

A husband is at home watching a Green Bay Packer football game
when his wife interrupts:
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?"
He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? Now?
Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead?
I don't think so."
"Well then could you fix the fridge door?" To which he replied,
"Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so."
"Fine, she says, then could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware
written on my forehead?
I don't think so.
I've had enough, I'm going to the bar."
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
He starts to feel guilty and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he sees the steps have been repaired.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside crying and a nice
young man asked me what was wrong.
When I told him, he offered to do all the repairs if I would
either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooo...Do you see Betty Crocker
written on my forehead?
I don't think so."

[MaximPhil]

Leroy at the Revival

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies:

"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.

"The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy:

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?

"Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

[Stralya]

Leroy's Overdose

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/c...e_overdose.jpg

We'll leave this one as a link...John

[BrianB]

The audit...

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'

[BrianB]

Redneck Power Windows

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmov...=923871&id=735

[GNEPIG]

LOL! Damn Brian, that IRS one bout made me pee myself! That was too funny.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

[STEPPENWOLF]

In an episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Herd Theory to Norm.

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[hamjam]

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke


Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fu*ked if he needed glasses".

[Stralya]

BRAVO!

[planedick]

Added to periodic table

ELEMENT NAME: WOMAN, SYMBOL: “WO”, ATOMIC WEIGHT: (Don’t even go there)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Very active, highly unstable, possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and various precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
USAGE: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


ELEMENT NAME: MAN, SYMBOL: “XY”, ATOMIC WEIGHT: 200 (+/-50)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Attempts to bond with “WO” any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bond with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with “KD” (Element name: CHILD) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with sports.
USAGE: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
CAUTION: In absence of “WO”, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell!

[tmworks]

My Son the Veterinarian


One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered, "He specializes in cats"

"That's an honorable profession, being a veternarian" the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."