J O T D

[D. P. Larmee]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WIFE




10. YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD .44 FOR A NEW 22.

9. YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

8. IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7. YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6. YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5. A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4. HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3. A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2. A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

1. YOU CAN PUT A SILENCER ON A HANDGUN!

[GNEPIG]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Old Ladies

[tmworks]

Definition

Definition of having Guts & Balls


GUTS: Spending a night out with the boys at the nudie bar, getting home at midnight reeking of cheap perfume and being greeted by the wife with a broom in her hand and you ask her if she is getting ready to clean or is she getting ready to fly out of here?

BALLS: Spending a night out with the boys at the nudie bar, getting home at 3AM reeking of cheap perfume and being greeted by the wife with a broom in her hand and you walk right past her smacking her ass telling her to come to bed that she is next!

[planedick]

Old lady speeder

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down
the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's
driving a car. As she's going down the hall, an old man
jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but
you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"

The little old lady digs around in her purse a little, then
pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks
it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes. Again, the same old
man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am,
but I saw you cross over the centre line back there.
Can I see your registration please?"

Again, the little old lady digs around in her purse a little,
then pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He
looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her
on her way.

She zooms off again, weaving up and down the halls.
Sure enough, as she approaches the old man's room, he
jumps out again. This time, though, he's stark naked and
has an erection! The old lady in the wheelchair looks up
at him and says, "Oh no, not the breathalyzer again!"

[planedick]

How come...

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him
around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles,
why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts"
and you put your two cents in . . .what happens to the
other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming
for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what Chinese mothers use...
Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for
them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of
Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE.

31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making
a peeing section in a swimming pool?

32. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the Tennessee Titans ?

33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean the
fifth one enjoys it? >>

[Stralya]

and on that note...

Why do they put headlights on ride-on mowers? and preparations A thru G didn't work, and that's the truth.

[John]

I damn near wet myself laughing at some of those. They sound like some of Stephen Wright's stuff.

[FSCGunslinger]

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

" No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."

Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy ."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out
of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you
took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731?"

"No, I think you have the wrong number......"

[wingnut]

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house!"

[cajun31]

Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[BrianB]

Pecans in the Cemetary

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[GNEPIG]

Quote:
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

LOL That was freakin funny!

[GNEPIG]

Why Rednecks Can't be Paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he is dead." There is a silence... followed by a gun shot.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[Stralya]

Anyone know anyone in publishing?

Hey G-man,

This thread of yours could make us (or you, of course) a quid. Would it be worthwhile exploring the idea of compiling the better gems contained herein and publishing them under a title like, "What makes bikers Laugh" or something?

I was thinking that maybe you could either pocket a squillion or perhaps convince an Engineering shop to tool up for exhaust systems which us plebes could buy cheap?

I was going to PM you this but I thought ideas from floor might be useful.

Just a thought, I don't have many.

Dan
Entrepreneur

[planedick]

You don't know Jack S*^*t

http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm