J O T D

[xs11jack]

Husband and wife

Husbands & Wives
And then the fight started ...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What's on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
“I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
When I got home last night,
My wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife,
“Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
“Naw, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies,
“Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,
“Holy crap. That must be my husband!”
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And then the fight started ...

[xs11jack]

Horse joke

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[Rasputin]

A Rare Occurence

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and
there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " F*cked if I know, I've never got this far before"



Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

[planedick]

Expert Fees....

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psyc't. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'


How much do you charge?'

Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.


'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.



'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'



'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

[planedick]

Blonde horse rider

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[slow mo]

gotta love then newfees

>
>
> Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Angie, half his age, in a
> small coastal Newfoundland community.
>
> After several months, Angie complained that she had never climaxed during
> sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfoundland women are entitled to
> a climax at least once in a while.
>
> To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no
> trustworthy doctor anywhere on the Burin Peninsula .
>
> The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer,
> his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding,
> with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
>
> He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over
> them while they were having sex. 'This, the Vet said, 'would cause the young
> wife to cool down, relax, then climax.'
>
> The couple hired a strong young man from Port Aux Basques to wave that big
> towel over them as the Vet suggested.
>
> After many efforts, Angie still had not climaxed so they went back to the
> Vet. The Vet said for Angie to change partners and let the young man have
> sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.
>
> They tried it that night and Angie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
> climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
>
> When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
> boasting voice said:
> "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fockin' towel!"

[slow mo]

more newfies

You know you're from Newfoundland when...

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

[planedick]

Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

[Rasputin]

Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened....?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management Lesson:

Always carefully consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[CatatonicBug]

Kinda tacky, but ingenious, nonetheless!

[slow mo]

canadian temperatures

Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.

40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup

[planedick]

Lack of oil

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC


Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.

[slow mo]

just my point of view

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it.

ride safe ,,slow mo!

[planedick]

Bubba's hooker

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars”, she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

“What's going on here people?”, asks the officer.

“I'm making love to my wife!”, Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I'm sorry”, says the cop, “I didn't know.”

Bubba says, “Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face…”

[planedick]

Presidents day

I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom

asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said, "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" ... I was waiting for something
profound...

He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House

and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my iced tea.