J O T D

[XSokieSPECIAL]

LOL.. It just sounded a lot like the old joke that then followed with..

"Just kidding... but I thought I'd show you things could be worse before I showed you my report card..."


But you're right.. lol. Read it several times, and apparently it is over my head.


Tod

Dammit your right! I screwed up. Thanks for pointing that out Tod (A.H.)

[trbig]

Now that right there is funnier than the joke you were trying to tell... lmao.


Tod

[oseaghdha]

Okie Jokes

So there's this guy, see.......and some beer..............

[XJOK2PLAY]

So there's this guy, see.......and some beer..............

....and he got thrown out of a bar in New York City...

[mro]

....and he got thrown out of a bar in New York City...

and they call him "Ta-ter"

mro

[cueball]

Truckie (trucker) sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops."What are you doing" he says "I'm going to commit suicide" she says. "Well, before you do, give me a blow job" he says. So she does. After she's finished he says "Wow, that would be wasted talent, why do you want to commit suicide?". She replies, "because my parents don't like me dressing up as a girl".

[XSokieSPECIAL]

Now that right there is funnier than the joke you were trying to tell... lmao.


Tod

So there's this guy, see.......and some beer..............

and they call him "Ta-ter"

mro

OK!! get it out of your system!

You got me! You got the Tater!

[wa407mpp]

Don't ya hate it when you have to perform in a room full of drunks

[XSokieSPECIAL]

At least I've pulled them down to my level.

Now I can beat 'em.

[cueball]

One of them

A bloke walks into a Pub in UnZud and orders a Shandy (beer with Dash of lemonade)
All the K1's around the bar look up, expecting to see another Aussie.
The Barman says "You're not from around here are you"
The bloke says "No, I'm from Canada"
Bartender asks "What do you do over there?"
Bloke replies "I'm a taxidermist"
Bartender says "Tixidermist, what the heck is a Tixidermist. You drive a Tixi or something?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals"
Bartender grins and says, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"

[xs11jack]

And all this time I thought is was the beer!

The Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre in Norfolk, England, lowered the water level in its giant aquarium for Christmas because the big turtles (which are herbivores) were scheduled to receive their annual holiday treat of brussels sprouts. Officials know from experience that if they fail to lower the water level, the gas bubbles from the powerful turtle emissions will lift the water high enough to trigger the emergency tank-flooding buzzers.

[xs11jack]

I don't blame him, I would too.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of
70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great
grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We
went to a
motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

[planedick]

Blond joke

Two blond guys were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
The second blonde got very upset and yelled, "You jerk! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!

[planedick]

Guts vs Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death

[planedick]

Abbott & Costello

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm! setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'..............