J O T D

[Erik the Red]

Inner Peace During the Holiday Season

(From an email forward I received...)

A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

[wa407mpp]

Very funny http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/SOY.htm

[Ken Talbot]

How To Serve Chicken Wings For A Man

[prometheus578]

... rather have breasts and thighs.

[Special Ed]

I saw this on a bulletin board at a Christian College.
A young man joined a Christian monastery that specialized in laboriously hand copying ancient text. One day he got up the nerve to approach the Abbot with a suggestion. “Monsignor,” said the acolyte, I noticed that we are copying text, which are them selves copies of the originals. Shouldn’t we be going to the original sources to avoid errors?
The Abbot thought about this for a moment and responded, “Yes that is a very good idea, young man. I shall immediately seek out the original text in our archives and address this matter. The Abbot then retreated to the deepest bowels of the monastery where the original text were kept, but he didn’t return for a couple of days.
Finally the acolyte could stand it no more and went down into the basement where he found the Abbot beating his head against the wall. “Monsignor, what is wrong?” ask the acolyte.
“The word was celebrate, not celibate! Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!”
Special Ed

[Cobia]

Little johnny strikes again

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City

and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her "boobies" are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

[Cobia]

Jonah and the Whale

Little Sally, in first grade, was telling her teacher about Jonah and the whale.
Her teacher said; "Sally, I know for a fact that a whale cannot swallow a full grown man".

Sally: "Well, when I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah if it's true".

Teacher: "What if Johan went to Hell?"

Sally: " Then you ask him when you get there"

[egleaves]

My New Job at Wal-Mart..

Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there, are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.. The oldest one's 9, and the youngest one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. '

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.


He may be right.

[prometheus578]

As I was checking into a hotel recently, I said to the female front desk clerk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[tmworks]

Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. ! ;
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. ;

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why , last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[Rasputin]

Home Depot Scam

A 'heads up' for the men of the family who may be regular Home
Depot customers.

During the past summer I became a victim of a clever scam while out getting some supplies at Home Depot.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen
to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and
instead, ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree
and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, and 24th 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th.
Unfortunately, because of the devious nature of this scam, I will probably
have my wallet stolen again next July!

So tell your friends/family to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each.

[Wildkat]

Kind of long... but the musicians here might appreciate it...

(This was sent to me by our flute choir director.. which might explain the obvious - to me anyway - lack of flute jokes)

A guy walks into a shop.
"How much is a Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingy and a Gibson
StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."


Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.*
*
What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a trumpet player in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What did the sax player get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A: A-Flat Miner

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a oboe player and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.*

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What is the most unused phrase in the English language?
A: "Banjo player's Porsche."

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move
out of range.*

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are piano players fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can
do that!"

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find
it again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
pitch.

Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors
noticed?

Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead
sax player in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Q: If you see a conductor and a violist in the middle of the road, who
would you run over first?
A: The conductor, business before pleasure.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead

Q: What's the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a bass players car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof


Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the ******* in the back.

Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around
them.*

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

Q: How do you get a sax player off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a
band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"


Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.

Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a violinist?
A: A dog knows when to quit scratching.

Q: How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

Q: How does one trumpet player greet another?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door ?
A: He speeds up when hes knocking

[Cobia]

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,

'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

'From now on,you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a
bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?





'The wife replied, 'The f*ckin' funeral director would be my first
Guess.'....

[Rasputin]

Tickle Me Elmo:

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... '

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[planedick]

Ticket

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, "Obama in '08". I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health