J O T D

[MaximPhil]

Only vaguely relevant, my son turned 8 yesterday.

And If you are very lucky he will grow up and join the air force and call home on his birthday and play practical jokes on his old man unless his Dad remembers to call first
Phil

[planedick]

High Tech

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.

[Luv Cookie]

Wild Lovin'

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

’Yes’, she says, 'I remember it well.'

‘OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, kaving a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still
watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them
what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't
an electric fence.'

[STEPPENWOLF]

Soo tired of my wimpy azz XS horns I took the horns off of my pickup...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lnQJ...eature=related

[planedick]

Boy from Canada

A man in a Florida supermarket wants to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some *ss hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, So he added,"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half"

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada '

'No s**t?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[planedick]

Holy water

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking
from his pond with his hand The Amish man shouts:

"Trink das wasser nicht Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have s**t in it.")

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more."

[tw1980]

An elderly woman goes to her doctor complaining she can't hear out of her left ear.The doctor examines the ear and says"I found the problem,you have a suppository stuck in your ear.She replies"well I guess that explains what happened to my other hearing aid".

[Rasputin]

Birthday Watch

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch".

[DGXSER]

The truth shall set you free!

Bernie and Louise had been married for 35 years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, "Bernie, is it true that the last two and half years of your marriage, you did not speak to Louise?"
With a nod, Bernie replies, "Yes, Your Honor, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquired.
Bernie replied, "I didn't want to interrupt her, your honor."

[Trainzz]

Good News,Bad News

Buddy of mine had to lay down his ride at an intersection. He walked/limped away with the road rash on his right leg. He went home and tended to his leg with peroxide and tweezers to pull out the bits of asphalt. Three days later he noticed some redness, but figgering it would go away, he ignored it. two weeks later his right leg was turning purple and green so he went to the doctor.
The doctor told him that the infection had progressed to the point that he would have to have the leg amputated below the knee. The surgery was scheduled for the next morning.
When he woke up in the recovery room, the doctor was reading his chart and shaking his head. "How did it go ?" asked my friend. The Dr. replied" Well, I have good news and bad news." "Whats the bad news?" my friend asked.
The doctor then explained that since this hospital was a teaching hospital, they had doctors from around the world train there. The doctor said "Unfortunately, your chart was read by a physician from the middle east. They read from right to left, so he misread your chart and amputated the wrong leg." "Jesus Christ, what the hell is the good news ?" my buddy asked.
"well" said the doctor.............
<
<
<
<
wait for it
<
<
<
<
<
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"The other one seems to be clearing up"


baarummbum!

[b.walker5]

You think English is easy? Good read this ...

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig .

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on .

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special .

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the wordUP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so....... Time to shut UP.!

Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

[tmworks]

Three men

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

[xsilerating]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned land with a pond out
back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it
up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women

aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,'we're not coming
out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed
the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast!

[randy]

It was once said that the US would have a black president when pigs fly. Sure enough, 100 days into his administration - swine flu!

[trbig]

LMAO!!!

Watch this dang cat!!

Cat in a suitcase


Tod