J O T D

[chrisso]

> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
> > pharmacy, walked up
> > to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and
> > said, "I would like
> > to buy some cyanide."
> >
> > The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
> > cyanide?"
> >
> > The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
> >
> > The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
> > have mercy!
> > I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's
> > against the law!
> > I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
> > All kinds of bad
> > things will happen. "
> >
> > "Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
> >
> > The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture
> > of her
> > husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
> >
> > The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well
> > now, that's
> > different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Special Ed]

Difference between stupid and crazy!

A man was driving down a muddy road when his car has a flat. He gets out the jack and lug wrench and proceeds to change it when, in his haste, he kicks the hubcap containing all the lug nuts and they disappear into the muddy water in the bar ditch. He lets out several expletives then hears a voice. He looks around and sees a man standing behind a chain link fence.

“Hey bud, no big deal. Just take off one lug nut from each of the other wheels, put them the wheel you are changing, then when you get to town you can buy some lug nuts at an auto parts store, put them on the wheels and you’re on your way!”

The flat tire victim looks around and sees a fortified gate with a sign that says: “Sunny Brook Home for the Criminally Insane.” He turns to the guy behind the fence and ask, “What’s a sharp guy like you doing in a place like this?”

“Hey,” he replied, “I’m here for being crazy, not stupid.”
Special Ed

[fredintoon]

Asylum jokes, eh?

An inmate looks over the asylum wall and sees a man scooping up horse manure off the road with a shovel and putting it into a bucket.
"Hey," the inmate shouts "what are you doing with that?"
"Why, I am taking it home to put on my rhubarb."
"Come inside, we get custard on ours."
>
Two inmates are allowed out for an afternoon walk.
They meet a young lady pushing a bicycle that has a flat tire.
They decide that one of them will fix the flat while the other
goes back to cover for him being out after curfew.
When the flat fixer eventually returns his friend asks "Where the f**k
have you been? I have just about exhausted my cover story"
"It's the darndest thing, I fixed the flat quick enough but then she took
the bike behind a haystack, took off her shorts and said I could take
anything I wanted."
"So what did you do?"
"I took the bike."
"Just as well, those tight little shorts wouldn't have fit you."
>
Jack has been an inmate for 15 years and they reckon he's recovered enough
to rejoin the outside world.
But there's a final test to see if jack can cope with a sudden or surprising circumstance that he might find himself facing once he is released.
Jack is sent into a room and told that whatever he sees he is to shout out the first thought that comes into his head.
A young woman comes in and suddenly strips off her T-shirt to stand there bare breasted.
Jack shouts:- "Windshield wipers!"
Back in his cell the doctor says "and you were doing so well, too. Why shout windshield wipers?"
"It's obvious" Says Jack, moving his head back and forth in an arc, "Kiss-kiss, kiss-kiss, kiss-kiss - - - "

[Special Ed]

Or how about...

[QUOTE=Cobia;187107]If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Or disturbing the piece?
Special Ed

[Stralya]

[quote=Cobia;187107]If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Or disturbing the piece?


Unpaid overtime?

[Special Ed]

Good one Guy!

Takes me back to my 18 years in Oregon, that old "Don't Californicate Oregon" thing, and the James G. Blaine Society. "People don't tan in Oregon, they rust."
Special Ed

[Guy_b_g]

A lot of that still exists...even though there are probably more "transplants" than "native" Oregonians now....

Still...I sure miss Oregon. and plan to move back next summer after 20 years away in the Army and 3 here in Florida.

[Special Ed]

Heard this recently on KPIG (available on line, I think,) recently, courtesy of Utah Phillips.
In the “Golden Age of Railroad,” the typical rail laying gang consisted of a steam locomotive pushing a couple of flatbeds loaded with rails and ties, and various other rail laying essentials. Behind the locomotive would be a couple of bunk cars, and the caboose which served as the galley / dining room.
The concept of employee satisfaction hadn’t quite caught on in the late 1800’s and a professional cook wasn’t provided for the work crew. Rather, the duty of cook fell to he who protested the quality of the provided fare. So, unless you really, really liked to cook after 12 hours of laying rail, you learned to not criticize the cooking.
Well one day a young lad (we’ll call him Billy Bob) vocalized a critique of the food, so the duty of cook fell to him. He cooked a standard entrée of moose stew, but being disinclined to being the designated cook, he decided to whip up a special (if I may use the word,) desert. He strolled out upon the prairie and found a large, fragrant, steamy moose terd. He took that moose terd and rolled it all the way back to the caboose. There he rolled out a piecrust and laid it in a pan. He placed the moose patty in the pan and covered it with strips of pie dough and garnished it with bits of locally obtained herbs. He baked the pie and placed it upon the table with the rest of the meal.
Well, there was one worker, we’ll call him Lumox who was 6’ 6” and 280 lbs. of hard muscle He sits down and eats, then cuts off a big slice of that… pie. He takes one bite and says, “Gawd dayam, that’s moose terd pah!” Then reflecting upon the implication of his pronouncement says: “ That’s the best f7%kin moose terd pie I’ve ever had!”

Merry Christmas every one
And don’t let this thread die: we need humor now more than ever!
Special Ed

[Bigfoot]

A lot of that still exists...even though there are probably more "transplants" than "native" Oregonians now....

Still...I sure miss Oregon. and plan to move back next summer after 20 years away in the Army and 3 here in Florida.

I am a native of Oregon myself. I also miss it. I have been gone for almost 20 years now but still think of myself as an Oregonian. I remember going to the DMV and they had the regular lines and the special Californian line. The regular lines never seemed to be backed up.

[latexeses]

...regular lines and the special Californian line. The regular lines never seemed to be backed up.

Man, there has to be a joke there....

[trbig]

If that's hard to read.. go here. http://www.leenks.com/link141111.html


Tod

[Stralya]

If that's hard to read.. go here. http://www.leenks.com/link141111.html

or here http://www.opsm.com.au/Pages/about.aspx

[prometheus578]

Good one, Stralya.
(I was thinkin' the same thing)

[Wildkat]

If that's hard to read.. go here. http://www.leenks.com/link141111.html

or here http://www.opsm.com.au/Pages/about.aspx

Or here... http://www.readinga-z.com/

[planedick]

Polosi car

Congressional Motors Announced the First Car for 2012 -- The Pelosi



It's in the way you dress, the way you boogie down, the way you sign your unemployment check. You're a man who likes to do things your own way.

And on those special odd-numbered Saturdays when driving is permitted, you want it in your car. It's that special feeling of a zero-emissions wind at your back and a road ahead meandering with possibilities. The kind of feeling you get behind the wheel of the Pelosi GTxi SS/RT Sport Edition from Congressional Motors.

All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.

We've subsidized the features you want and taxed away the rest. With its advanced Al Gore-designed V-3 under the hood pumping out 22.5 thumping, carbon-neutral ponies of Detroit muscle, you'll never be late for the Disco or the Day Labor Shelter.

Engage the pedal drive or strap on the optional jumbo mizzenmast, and the GTxi SS/RT Sport Edition easily exceeds 2016 CAFE mileage standards. At an estimated 268 MPG, that's a savings of nearly $1,800 per week in fuel cost over the 2011 Pelosi.

Even with increased performance we didn't skimp on safety. With 11-point passenger racing harnesses, 15-way airbags, and mandatory hockey helmet, you'll have the security knowing that you could survive a 45 MPH collision even if the GTxi SS/RT were capable of that kind of illegal speed.
But the changes don't stop there.

Sporty mag-style hubcaps and an all-new aggressive wedge shape designed by CM's Chief Stylist Ted Kennedy slices through the wind like an omnibus spending bill. It even features an airtight undercarriage to keep you and a passenger afloat up to 15 minutes -- even in the choppy waters of a Cape Cod inlet. Available in a rainbow of color choices to match any wardrobe, from Harvest Avocado to French Mustard.

Inside, a luxurious all-velour interior designed by Barney Frank features thoughtful appointments like an in-dash condom dispenser. A special high capacity hatchback holds up to 300 aluminum cans, meaning fewer trips to the redemption center.

And the standard 3 speaker Fairness ActoPhonic FM low-band sound system means you'll never miss a segment of National Public Radio [NPR]again.

Best of all, the Pelosi GTxi SS/RT is made right here in the U.S.A. by fully card-checked unionized workers and Detroit 's famous visionary jet-set managers.

Even if you don't own one, you can enjoy the patriotic satisfaction that you're supporting the high wages, good benefits, and generous political donations that are once again making the American car industry the envy of the world.

But why not buy one anyway? With an MSRP starting at only $629,999.99, it's affordable too.

Don't forget to ask about dealer incentives, rebates, tax credits, and wealth redistribution plans for customers from dozens of qualifying special interest groups, plus easy-pay financing programs from Fannie Mae.

So take the bus to your local CM dealer today and find out why the Pelosi GTxi SS/RT Sport Edition is the only car endorsed by President Barack Obama.

One test drive will convince you that you'd choose it over the import brands -- even if they were still legal.