J O T D

[tmworks]

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said,

'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time.'

She said …

'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

[Stralya]

As promised...

The Crapeye pic.



I took this from the drivers seat of my bus as I was going past.

I wonder if he realises how funny his shingle is.

Dan
Eye for the absurd.

[planedick]

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan ,
Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar,
warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut
off America 's supply of convenience store managers,
and possible candidates for President of the United States .

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab
drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer
service reps., and then Motel 6 managers.

It's getting ugly.........

[planedick]

Blonds aint bright

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when
his attractive blond female neighbor came out
of the house and went straight to the mailbox.


She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed
back in the house.


A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' My stupid computer keeps saying,
YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[STEPPENWOLF]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPtDx...eature=related




Got GPS:_)

[Special Ed]

Bob's dad was having his 90th birthday, so Bob thought he would treat his old man to a call girl. So she knocks on his door and when he answers she says "I'm here to give you super sex!" He thinks for a second and says: "I'll take the soup!"
E.Liberty

[planedick]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal,
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
"I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[fredintoon]

From another list

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the two dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
''Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling all the other dolls".

[Rasputin]

Mexican hitchhikers

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA.

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift
back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans
ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as
he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the
driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their
bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.

Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the
driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs'.

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in
it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a
bicycle.

[planedick]

Pumping up dad

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

[Special Ed]

Attention, my sisters of XS: this is SWMBO's favorite joke.

An old man living accross from a vacation rental cottage sees a burly young man carry a young woman, obviously his bride, through the doorway. Seeing the young man come out of the cottage the next morning, the old man decides to go over and give the young man a little good natured ribbing.
Young man, I saw you carry your bride into the house last night, and I'm courious, how many times last night, you and your bride. The young man, more brawn than brain apparently, thinks a couple of seconds and replies: "Duh, three times." "Three times," the old man replies, "such a man! You must have made your bride very happy!"
Next morning, same thing. The old man goes over and engages the young man in conversation and finaly ask:" How many times last night, you and your bride?" The young man smiles and responds,"four times!"
"Four times last night and three the night before! Oy, such a man! Your wife must be very very happy.
What is your secret. How in the world do you do it!" The young man wrinkels his brow in thought and then gives a pelvic thrust and says "One, (hump) two, (hump) three..."
E.Liberty

[fredintoon]

Honeymoon jokes, eh?

Young couple spend the first night of their honeymoon at an old-fashioned country inn, they have a drink at the bar, talk to some of the locals and go off tho their room. Early the next morning the husband leaps out of bed and says
"Do you want to join me in a brisk walk before breakfast"
"No thanks" says the bride "I'll just lay here and have a cigarette before I get up."
When the husband is walking down the nearby lane he meets one of the locals who asks:-
"Your lovely wife not with you this morning, Squire?"
"No, I left her smoking in bed."
"Arrr, that's the best way to leave 'em."

[mro]

Honeymoon jokes, eh?

Middle age couple tie the knot in Ireland

In there honeymoon suite the lady's in bed waiting for her groom.
Sitting on the side of the bed the gentleman removes his shoes, then socks.
She sees the condition of his toes and exclaims “My lord, what happened to your toes”.
He replies “I had toesells when I was young”.
He stands up and removes his pants and he can see that she's looking at his knees so
before she asks he says “I had kneesells too”.
Lastly he drops his drawers and she blurts out “I see that you had smallcox too".


mro

[Luv Cookie]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay" hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them." George said,

"I thought you said there was nobody available."

[planedick]

The rabbit

Young newlyweds came down to the hotel dinning room for breakfast and before they could order the husband asked his bride to order for him while he went to call his parents. When he came back there was a large salad there for his breakfast. He asked his bride why he had salad for breakfast and she said, I wanted to know if you ate like a rabbit too.