J O T D

[Ken Talbot]

There were two flea friends that decided to go to Bike Week at Daytona. The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really sick. The first flea asks him why he is so sick. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing." The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a college dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair." So next year the first flea again arrives early. The second flea arrives later and he is sick again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?" The second flea says, "I DID - I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.

[Stralya]

Two lady cabbages were sunning themselves on a nude beach when a young male cabbage happened by.

One says to the other, "Wow, did you see the slug on that?"

I thank you.

[Stralya]

Three retired racehorses were reminiscing about their golden days.

The first says, "Yep, three wins from eight starts, not too shabby"
The second replies, "Hate to one-up you old man but I had seven wins from just 10 starts!"
The third pipes up with "You two are amatures, I had 23 wins from 32 starts and was the youngest thoroughbred to crack a Million in stake earnings"

Just then a greyhound wandered into the conversation and said, "Well that's very impressive, but in my one year career I had 52 wins from 52 starts, that's one win a week! How do you like them apples?"

The first of the three said, "F@CK ME DEAD!!!, A TALKING DOG!!!"

[fredintoon]

A zebra had worked all his life in a circus but retired and went to live on a farm.
Being unfamiliar with farm life he toured around asking the various animals what they did.
The chickens said,
"We lay eggs and the farmer feeds us corn-mash."
The sheep said,
"We grow wool and the farmer feeds us grass."
The cows said,
"We give milk and the farmer feeds us hay."
The bull said,
"Take off them fancy pajamas and I'll show ya."

[BrianB]

Watch the Signs

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"

And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"

The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."

Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf.

"Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"

"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."

[BrianB]

Why Riders Don't Wave Back

Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back.

10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm.
9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form."
8. Shoulder too stiff from camping on the ground the night before.
7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat.
6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone.
5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!.
4. Wires from Gerbings is too short.
3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW.
2. You haven't been properly introduced. And the number one reason...
1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.

Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The expresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer.
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on the dashboard.

Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
9. Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
8. Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. Afraid to let go of the handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers.
3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
1. They're jealous that after spending $20,000, they still don't own a Gold Wing.

[tmworks]

quick thinking blonde

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I Want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."


The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think This place is ... An auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[HobbyMan]

How many blonde jokes are there?


--none, they're all true

[planedick]

Blond jokes...

Blond was driving down the road when she saw another blond in a rowboat in the middle of a field. She stopped to ask her what she was doing and the boating blond said she was going fishing. The blond on the road said that there was no water around her and that she was responsible for the fact that blonds got a bad name and thought of as stupid and then she said, "If I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt".

[tmworks]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

[BrianB]

Ya Gotta go Ya Gotta go !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I GOTTA PEE


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were Faithful and loving wives,however, they had
gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had
nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend, however was
wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not
want to do that.
She was lucky enough to squat down
next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,
so she proceeded to wipe with that

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was
concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst..my wife came home
with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her a$$ that
said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you."

[Luv Cookie]

The Problem with Outsourcing

Was depressed last night so I called Lifeline, a Suicide Hotline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .

Told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

[GNEPIG]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the
matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said to the manager, "Some @sshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added: "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people
who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Alabama , sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Alabama ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Alabama ."

"No sh!t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[BrianB]

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word.......

Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word.......

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word........

By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "I'll do the dishes!"

[Jerry]

Humor

Old Edgar, after dinner each night, would take a walk and sit in the garden of the nursing home and reminisce about his life.
On day, while lost in thought, Beatrice walks by and asks him what he's doing. He asks her to join him, and they sit there talking for a while.
"What do you miss the most, now that you're older?" Beatrice asks.
"Well." says Edgar, "I miss all the things that I used to do... but mostly I miss having sex. I wish I could do that again."
"You old fool," says Beatrice, "At your age you can't perform any more."
"Well... I suppose you're right... But it would be nice if I could find a woman who would just hold it for me, I suppose."
Beatrice thought it over (her being a little taken by the old guy's charms)
"Well... That's not really too much to ask... I suppose I could hold it for you."
So Beatrice reaches over, unzips Edgar's fly, pulls it out and holds Edgar's manhood for him.
This soon becomes a regular occurrence. They meet in the garden each evening, and Beatrice satisfies Edgar in this manner.
One day, Beatrice shows up, but Edgar is nowhere to be seen. She waits a while, and then goes off looking for him. She checks the dining room, but he's not there. He's not in the recreation room, either.
She arrives at his room and is about to knock on the door when she hears moaning coming from inside. Thinking that maybe he's ill, she throws open the door and rushes inside.
There's Edgar, sitting on his bed...Ethyl at his side, and she's got a hold of his Manhood!
Beatrice, deeply hurt, "EDGAR! HOW COULD YOU! I thought I was the only one who gets to hold your Manhood? What's Ethyl got that I haven't got?"
"Parkinson's," says Edgar.