J O T D

[SiP]

A doctor I know got suspended for having sex with his patients. Shame he's a vet

Two blondes walked in to a buiding - you'd think one of them would have seen it.

[GNEPIG]

I hate weddings!!!

At weddings, all the old people poke you and say..."YOUR NEXT!!" Hehehe.

At funerals, they didn't think it was so funny when I started doin the same thing to them!!!

hehehe

[Stralya]

BWAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAHAAA

Grandfather was badly burned.
They don't piss around at the crematorium.

[tmworks]

Little Kenny

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little KENNY .

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking.'

Then little KENNY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of
ice cream The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little KENNY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the
one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE KENNY ON MATH

Little KENNY returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies KENNY .

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH

Little KENNY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today
we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have
an example of a multi-syllable word?'

KENNY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little KENNY , that's a mouthful.'

Little KENNY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR

Little KENNY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, KENNY , that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate. Please use the
word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little KENNY , thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you
had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!'


LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother
a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little KENNY .

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and
he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''


LITTLE KENNY ON GETTING OLDER

Little KENNY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on th e bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating
all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you
fat.'

Little KENNY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little KENNY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.


Little KENNY IS THE BEST!!!!!

[GNEPIG]

LOL, that little Kenny is one cool dude


Getting away from it all:

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great," says Tom. "After 6 months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."
"No problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business I can drink with the best of em' ".

Again the big man starts to leave and stops. "More n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."

"Well, I get along with most people. I'll be alright. I'll be there.
Thanks."

"More'n likely to be some wild sex, too."
"That's no problem", says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone
for 6 months!! I'll definitely be there! By the way, what should I
wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Stralya]

It was just after sunset and Harry and Bert were enjoying a quiet one in the bar of the local when Harry mentioned that he was starting a new job next week, going on to shift work, he was.

At the mention of shift work, Bert looked at his watch, put his half-finished pot (of beer) down on the bar and bolted out the pub door.

Harry was surprised at this unexpected behaviour of his old drinking mate, but drank on regardless.

Exactly an hour later, a stinking wet, bleeding and very angry Bert staggered back into the bar and joined Harry. “Jeez, I’m pissed off!” he rasped.

Harry just looked aside at him and said, “Yairs, I’m not surprised. You left you beer half full. Anyway, why did you bolt?”

“It was partly your fault,” said Bert. “When you mentioned shift work, I remember an old girlfriend down the road who had told me her husband was on shift work this evening, and she gave me the nod that I could be in like Flynn.”

“Ah, so that’s why you are pissed off, you found out he wasn’t at work,” said Harry.

“No”, replied Bert. “Why do you think I am so wet and stinking – and have a look at me flamin’ knuckles! I went round to her place, she opened the door and in pretty short order we were tucked up in her bed. I no sooner thought of what to do next when there was this sound of a car pulling into her driveway and the slamming of a car door. She told me to hide, quick smart, as it must be her husband coming back for his ‘lunch’ box, which he had left on the kitchen table.”

“Ahah! That’s why you are so pissed off – you dipped out and have a case of lover’s nuts”, interjected Harry.

“No, wrong again,” said Bert. “I was going to hide under the bed, then in the laundry, and finally I crawled out the bedroom window and hung by my fingertips while the old flame closed the window and dashed into the kitchen. Her husband, the bastard, must have seen the look in her eyes when he ran into the kitchen, or twigged to the way she was dressed for romance, because he galloped into the laundry first, then looked under the bed, and finally caught me hanging on like grim death to the windowsill. He laughed like mad, then ran to the laundry and came back with a bloody mallet which he used on my fingers like a bloody xylophone. I hung on real tight, though, and then the bastard went to the bed and pulled out the half filled gazunder from underneath it. You know what happened next? He tipped it all over me.”

“So that’s why you’re pissed off so bad”, commented Harry. “You got pissed on!”

“No – I’ll tell you why I’m so pissed off”, said Bert as he drained his pot. “After dipping out on my naughtie, having my hands belted with a mallet and having a piss pot tipped all over me while hanging on for dear life at that bloody window, I looked down and saw that my feet were only three inches from the ground! That’s what really pissed me off!

[Stralya]

These 2 rabbit trappers had been around the traps and were busy gutting the rabbits, of which there were hundreds. One of the trappers announced that he had to go into the bush to excrete. His mate said, “All right”, and continued to gut, flinging the rabbits’ entrails well out of the way so as to keep the work area comparatively clean.

One set of entrails landed directly under the rabbiter as he answered the call of nature. He was gone a bit longer than usual and when he came out of the bush his face was deathly pale and he was barely able to walk. His mate said, “Strike me pink, sport, what’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t believe it,” said the sick and sorry rabbiter, “but I strained so hard that I passed some of my guts on the ground.”

“Strewth”, said his mate, “we’ll have to get you to a doctor.”

“No, I’ll be all right soon”, said the reeling rabbiter. “With the help of God and a little stick I got ‘em all back in again.”

[Stralya]

A man in Canberra decides the way to make a fortune is to open a ten-pin bowling alley. He builds the ultimate bowling alley with 20 lanes, 2 restaurants and various bars. On the afternoon before the official opening he is standing around admiring his creation when he realises he’s forgotten to order bowling balls. He rings the manufacturer in Sydney and orders 1000 balls. The supplier advises that he has them in stock and all he has to do is drill and polish them and then he can air-freight them to Canberra. The bowling alley proprietor says this will cost too much in freight and asks that they be sent by road in a 22 wheeler semi trailer.

The supplier works into the night and the balls are loaded and despatched. Travelling at great speed and in the middle of nowhere the truck driver sees 2 blokes standing on the side of the road. He stops to offer assistance and the 2 guys, who he sees are Aborigines, say that their bike has broken down on the way to Canberra and they are stranded. He offers them a lift but says they must travel in the back because company policy prevents passengers in the cabin. They climb in with their bike and he speeds off.

Shortly after he’s pulled up by the police. One policeman says to his mate, “You book him while I check his load.” He opens the back but quickly slams and locks the door. And he runs to his mate and says, “Forget booking him. Let’s just get him across the border and out of New South Wales.” Despite his mates’ protests, they head off at great speed to the Canberra border, escorting the truck. At the border they stop and the truck hurtles on.

The policeman then says to his mate, “Will you tell me why I couldn’t book him and we had to escort him here?”

He replies, “When I opened the back I could see it was full of Abo eggs. We had to get them out of the state because 2 has already hatched and one of them had stolen a bike!”

[Stralya]

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It’s red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

“Goddammit man, how do you know all that?” asked one.

The Aborigine replied, ”I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.”

[Aussie speak: Ute = utility vehicle or pickup truck]

[Stralya]

A hungry Kakadu crocodile was waiting on a bank of a river for a boatload of plump American tourists. Days passed, no tourists. Finally an Aborigine came down to the river to spear barramundi, and although he was pretty skinny, the crocodile decided that he’d be better than nothing. So he lunged at him, grabbed his feet and began to gulp him down, bit by bit. Whereupon the long-awaited boat of American tourists came into view. One of them spied the head sticking out of the croc and said, “Look! Look!”

Another tourist, a woman, said, “I thought they said Aborigines were poor. Well, there’s one with a Lacoste sleeping bag.”

[Stralya]

A bloke is marooned on a desert island. But he survives as there are plenty of coconuts and fresh water. Months pass and he sees a ripple about a hundred yards off shore. It keeps getting closer and closer until, at last, a tall blonde in full diving gear appears.

“You poor man”, she says. “How long have you been here?”

He replies that he’s lost all track of time and doesn’t know. What he knows is that he’s dying for a fag.

“No trubs”,(no troubles) she says, unzipping a pocket on the arm of her wetsuit and pulling out a packet of Winnies and a lighter.

Puffing happily, the bloke says he’s in seventh heaven and she asks him if he’d like a beer.

“Would I!” So she unzips the other pocket and pulls out a can of VB.

With a fag in one hand and a beer in the other, the bloke reckons he’s got it made. Then the blonde starts to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

“Having been here all this time,” she says, “I guess you’d like to play around.”

And the bloke says, “How on earth did you fit a set of golf clubs down there?”

[BrianB]

A woman (no one on this forum, of course), standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

[BrianB]

A couple sitting down in restaurant notices that each waiter has a spoon in their shirt pocket. Next time their waiter comes around to refill their glasses, the woman says “Excuse me, but I have noticed all the waiters with a spoon in their pocket. What’s the deal with that”? He replies “the spoon is for customers that might need an extra one, which is the most common occurrence”. He goes on to explain that management hired a outside firm to do an efficiency study on ways to make the restaurant efficient and more profitable. One recommendation was for waiters to carry an extra spoon to have on hand to give out, instead of making an extra time consuming trip back to the kitchen. As he was speaking, the woman accidentally knocked her desert spoon on the floor, and the waiter quickly handed her a new one from his shirt pocket. A while later during desert, the couple took notice of a small string coming out of the zipper of all the waiters. When the waiter came out to clear the last plates, the man asks, “I notice everyone has a string coming out of their fly. What the story with that”? The waiter replied “another suggestion to save time and money, was to have the waiters tie a string to their dick. This way when they have to go to the bathroom, they just pull it out with the string, so not to touch themselves, and would not have to wash their hands afterwards. This saves time, water and paper towels.” Puzzled the patron asked “that’s a great idea, but how do you put it back in afterwards”? The waiter leaned over the table and whispered “I don’t know what the others do, but I just use the spoon”.

[jetmechmarty]

Found on road trip

I stopped at a roadside stand on my way back from Florida with the
intention of picking up some local produce. What I found, though, brought tears
to my eyes. Apparently there is a prostitution rehabilitation project going on
down there that gives the poor lost girls a new vocation, helping them work
their way back into society, starting out by laboring in a hot kitchen. Open this picture to see what I'm talking about.
Get your handkerchiefs out.

[jetmechmarty]

I forgot how to post a picture, but I guess the link will work.