J O T D

[planedick]

Expensive cigars

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[XSive Okie]

How I ended up in the ER-

Wife: Honey, do these jeans make my butt look fat?

Husband: No, the Twinkies and chocolate cake do.

[slow mo]

happy saint patricks day

The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)

At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.

On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.

The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? To which Red said he was.

The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?

[LoHo]

Speaking of Red Adair...

A welding accident in a south Texas oil derrick resulted in a towering flame and sooty ash all around. The owner contacted Red Adair who said he'd charge a cool million to tackle the fire. Being frugal, the Texan did a web search and contacted a Canadian firm from Newfoundland that would do the job for $50,000. They promised to be there with their own equipment at noon the following day.

At 11:55 the next morning, the Texan stepped out out of the command trailer and saw a pickup truck approaching, loaded down with furry guys wearing parkas and knitted caps. To his dismay, the truck went right through the barrier and smacked into the wreckage of the derrick, whereupon the crew lept from the truck and began beating at the flames with their parkas and woolen blankets.

After a couple of hour the Newfies had smothered the flames and a Texas crew was able to cap the well. The owner approached the apparent Newfie leader as they all sat around, huffing and puffing, some still in their smoking parkas, cracking open some cold Labatt's at a rapid pace.

"Damn son, that there's the most impressive thing I ever seen! The way you boys just charged right in and tackled those flames was amazin'!" He handed over the $50,000 check. "Whatch y'all gonna do with the money?"

"Oh, t'anks, eh," the Newfie replied, "The first t'ing we gonna do is fix da brakes on dat damn truck, eh!"

[hamjam]

A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[planedick]

Texas survivor game...

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" series, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor| Texas-Style."

The 9 contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, and over to Houston then down to Brownsville.

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally
back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm a Democrat,"

"I love the Dixie Chicks,"

"Only Sissies Eat Beef,"

"I Voted for Obama,"

"George Strait Sucks,"

"Hillary in 2012" and....

"I'm here to register your guns.."
"Love me, love my burka"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

God Bless Texas !!!!

[Rasputin]

4 Worms in church

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?

Max was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

[slow mo]

The Alabama Department of Labor discovered a dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," the Department of Labor employee said to the farmer upon arriving at his dairy.

"Well, there's my farm hand who has been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board," the farmer explained. "Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the mentally challenged one," the Department of Labor employee said.

"Oh, that would be me," the farmer replied.
__________________

[XSive Okie]

How I ended up in the E.R.-

frantic wife on cell phone "Honey, I've been in a wreck!"

husband "Oh, hell, is the car okay?"

[XSive Okie]

You know why men fart more often?
Women don't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure!

[crazy steve]

One place I worked had a sign...

Women don't:

Sweat

Belch

Fart

If they didn't bitch, they'd explode...

Not very PC....

[xs11lover]

I found this one in my mailbox today from the great white north. I'm happy to finally have one to share.
Garrett


Subject: Why Deer Are Hunted with Rifles

Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

[Kronk]

I am neither an optimist nor a pessimist. My cup is not half full or half empty... I am a realist, and have realized that whatever the level in my cup may be, it is piss... And that's no good

[b.walker5]

Good Irish Comedy..

Check the Bikini Wax clip, and the Mormon one. Sides are still hurtin' from laughin'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iTsq...x=1&playnext=3

[tcoop]

That is some funny stuff. Those poor mormon boys. I laughed, I shouldn't have but I laughed hard.