J O T D

[planedick]

Religeous message

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church.

Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were seen together pounding a sign into the ground that said:


DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"



From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.



Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks,

"Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say BRIDGE OUT?!"

[redbone]

mailmans last day

there is a mailman in a small town that is working his last day before retiring.

some of the people along his route have caught wind of his retirement and were passing along cards and small gifts to him.

he goes to one house and slips the mail in the door slot and the woman of the house quickly opens the door,
she says 'hey mailman, i understand its your last day of work before you retire'.
mailman says 'yeah, after 25 years i'm gonna pack it in'
woman says 'well why don't you come in and i'll make you some breakfast'
mailman says ' sure ...why not'

they go into the house and she makes him bacon, eggs, pancakes, sausage, o.j the whole shootin match

after he eats the mailman grabs his bag and says 'well i better finish delivering the mail'
woman gives him a wink and says 'what do you say we go up stairs and mess around a little bit...'
mailman says 'sure why not'

they go upstairs and do the deed.

as they are getting dressed, the woman reaches into her housecoat and hands the mailman 2 dollars.

the mailman looks at her and says 'what the hell is this for, i mean geez you made me a great breakfast and then rocked my world?'

she says, 'well...when i got up this morning, i told my husband that it was your last day of work and perhaps we should give you a little something,
and he said "f**! him, give him a couple of bucks"......breakfast was my idea !

[Rasputin]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

[Rasputin]

The Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?"
"No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we an keep track of what you are doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud"
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priest. "Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over the Rockies , flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Alberta ."

[Cobia]

Dictionary for decoding women's personal's

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL'S:

- 40-ish: 49.5
- Adventurous: Slept with just about everyone
- Average looking: Mooooo
- Athletic: No boobs
- Beautiful: Pathological liar
- Free Spirit: Junkie
- Emotionally Secure: On medication
- Feminist: Fat
- Friendship first: Former Slut
- New-Age: Body hair in the wrong places
- Old-fashioned: No BJs
- Open-minded: Desperate
- Professional: B**ch
- Outgoing: Loud & Embarrassing
- Voluptuous: Very fat
- Large frame: Hugely fat
- Wants soul mate: Stalker

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

- Yes: No
- No: Yes
- Maybe: No
- We need: I want
- I am sorry: You will be sorry
- Sure, go ahead: You better not
- We need to talk: You are in big trouble
- Do what you want: You will pay for it later
- I am not upset: Of course, I am upset, you stupid moron!
- You're very attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

- I am hungry: I am hungry
- I am sleepy: I am sleepy
- I am tired: I am tired
- Nice dress: Nice cleavage!
- I love you: Let's have sex now.
- I am bored: Let's have sex now.
- May I have this dance? I'd like to have sex with you.
- Can I call you sometime? I'd like to have sex with you.
- Do you want to go to a movie? I'd like to have sex with you.
- Can I take you out to dinner? I'd like to have sex with you.

[Rasputin]

The horth whithperer

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I thee her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that, 'Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

[Special Ed]

That's vewey funny!
Special Ed

[bikerphil]

good one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBtnC6JnifA

[Larrym]

Was that guy really wearing blue jeans in a sanctioned drag race??

[tmworks]

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be S***tin' Me''?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead...' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house...What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak,

'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.

We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort...

How many men do you have?'

Washington replied,

'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'



And the Madam said,

'You gotta be S***tin me...'

[planedick]

Farm kid in the Army

Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges . They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Possum Trot . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,

Minnie Pearl

[planedick]

Veterinarian class

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...


Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid..

[bikerphil]

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.

[b.walker5]

A Fact Of Life.

After Monday and Tuesday even the calender says WTF....

[latexeses]

Snow shovelers diary

Snow Shoveler Diary
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and
covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment
.My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my arse on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like h__l. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gad I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. G__damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white s____ fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to p__. By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again. I was
too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the
rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ass___e is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts???
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the sob who drives that
snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his b___s. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street
at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight
the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the g__damn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @x@!x!x1 s___t
tonight.Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm
going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I
am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother .
9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?