J O T D

[GNEPIG]

A story abouut MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that
when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the
Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and =2 0olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together
to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some
spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in
the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
(kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my
spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.

Voila--Ranger Pudding. For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of
Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).
It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the
electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that sh-t is
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the
alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter..

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking
me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew
a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift
"wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because
she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time.. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG
with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out
for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray
palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is
wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your
bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all
the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army
food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate
9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I
concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday.. Seems she couldn't sh it for 3 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on
the couch.

I know, I'm an a--hole, but it was still a funny night.



Gene Berger
(A Yankee Air Pirate)

[barberad]

Little Johnny

My Father is a Stripper in a Gay Bar



One day a fourth-grade teacher
asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the Teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied,' Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret
and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in
his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home
with some guy and Stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by
this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President
last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

[Cobia]

Biker Bob sells his dog..

A guy is driving around the back woods of Oregon and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'
He rings the bell and Biker Bob appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk??' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.
So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.'
'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Biker Bob what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' says Biker Bob

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****'.

[trbig]

Sometime next year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the
economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China
.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will
hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion: As an American, it is your responsibilty to make the most of your stimulus money, so the best option is for you to;

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

Thank you for your help and support in these trying times.

[Special Ed]

Dig the input

Just want y'all to know that ahm workin' up mah own Redneck comidy routeen. "Hi! How y'all. Ah just flew in frum Arkansas, and boy. are mah arms tard! Ahm purty much yer average Red State voter ( 1,2,3,beats,) as seen through the eyes of yer average Blue State voter..." followed by all the jokes I'm stealing from you guys!
Thanks bunches! Keep them coming!
Special Ed

[xs11jack]

I like this cop

A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"

[xs11jack]

My Father the gay stripper

My Father is a Stripper in a Gay Bar
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the Teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied,' Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and Stay with him all night for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

[Wildkat]

1. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

3. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

4. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

5. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

6. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

9. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

10. Was learning cursive really necessary?

11. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

12. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

13. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

14. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

15. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

16. Bad decisions make good stories.

17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

18. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

19. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

[Luv Cookie]

Christmas With Louise

Probably a repeat and if so, I apologize but I thought it was kind of funny.....

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X- rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made
it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.


On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

[trbig]

Sent to me by someone who obviously has NOT become more patient with age... lol.
======================================


THE SPOILED UNDER- 40 CROWD!!!


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill.... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda. And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a d@mn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!


Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the d@mn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.... forever!

And you could never win.

The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!

NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-b@st@rds!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,

The Over 40 Crowd
======================================


Tod

[Special Ed]

And the gag is... what?

Y'know, I can relate, but this is in the wrong thread. This is no joke!
Special Ed

[Rasputin]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to Piss off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

[trbig]

Have you ever jumped off of something or laid a bike over at slow speed that you thought was going slow enough, but within a step or two, determined you were going WAY too fast to run it out... and you fall and bust your azz??

Maybe THIS guy is on to something!?






LOL.. Just another one of those things that make you think WTF!?!?


Tod

[DGXSER]

Now that would make for some roll on shifts.. But the foot brake might slip a bit. Yeah..WTF is right!

[Special Ed]

Love it!
Special Ed