J O T D

[planedick]

The psychiastrist

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me.
Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to
New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every
night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning
I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your
hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says,
"Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their
friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can
barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd
take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your
service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from
Pittsburgh to New York."

[chrisso]

Patient to Shrink( I cant spell Pyshciatrist??)
''I keep thinking im a Dog''

Doctor--'' Get on the couch & well talk about it''

''Im not allowed on the couch''

[chrisso]

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles ups the road. Having a party Friday night thought you might like to come... about 5:00." "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"

Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
_________________

[Special Ed]

Prom, MRO, and Ray were out walking in the woods one day when they surprised a mother bear, who proceeded to chase them. As they raced across the meadow Ray pants, "I don't think we can out run her!" Prom responds, "I'm not trying to outrun her, I'm just trying to outrun you!"
E.Liberty

[Special Ed]

A young girl wandered to close to the lion cage at the NY Zoo. A lion grabed her and pulled her toward the bars. A biker who was visiting the zoo ran over and punched the lion in the nose causing the beast to release the girl. Another visitor to the zoo came up to the biker and said,"Wow! That is the bravist thing I have ever seen!" The biker sez, "Hey man, I just did what had to be done." The other visitor said, "I'm a reporter for the New York Times, and I'm going to make sure that this story gets reported on the front page of tomorrows paper! By the way, what kind of bike do you ride, and what is your political affiliation?" "I ride a Harley and I'm a Republican," responds the biker.

The next day the biker goes out to look for a news stand, and when he finds a NY Times he sees this headline: RIGHTWING BIKER ASSAULTS AFRICAN EMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
E.Liberty

[Rasputin]

GOD on grass


.........as in lawn...........the other would be interesting too, I bet!


GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

[planedick]

Bored old ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall; followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

[prometheus578]

I expected the word/flower "Snap Dragon" to be mentioned.

I thought the joke had gay guys in it, and he won "Best Pansy".

What about "tulips"?

Is this similar to the two hookers at the Gardening Show, where one won the title of "Best Hoe"?

Come on, Plandick... work with me here.

[red bandit]

Subject: Anheuser-Busch




By now you know that Anheuser-Busch was sold to a foreign company.
Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they are sellouts.
Drop your beer off at my house & I will dispose of it.
We'll teach those bastards.

[trbig]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died..'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can 't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
back.'

[Rasputin]

[trbig]

Police are looking for a man that was caught fleeing the scene of an accident....














I just hope he either went under really fast, or skipped just a bit further than the boat! lol.


Tod

[planedick]

Texas lover

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

"Don't stop," said the Texan.

[Special Ed]

A Texan was visiting N.Y., N.Y. and was crossing a long bridge when he felt a call to nature. He whips it out and is releaving himself when a gentalman of extreemly dark complexion comes along side him and proceeds to do the same. "Man, that water sure is cold!" He exclaims.
"Yep," responds the Texan: "deep, too."

Know what's better than than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ!
E.Liberty

[hamjam]

and the Canadian who stopped by as well says "but it has a nice sandy bottom"
;-)