J O T D

[planedick]

Show 'em to me.....

Here's a video about tits....

http://www.tagtele.com/videos/voir/11924

[Hammerhead1st]

What's the definition of stress?

A wife, a girlfriend, and a bank payment...

All a month LATE!


PS-HUGE Rodney Carrington fan here...

[Luv Cookie]

Deer Camp

Three guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."

The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."


Yep, love Rodney Carrington - watched his show when it was on. Try this one...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgyeshD8RJY

[SiP]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her Husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in
the Bedroom cupboard to watch.


Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes
home.


She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the
little boy is in there already.


After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here."


The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear
anything let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is. "


Boy - "I have a football."


Man - "That's nice."


Boy - "Want to buy it?"


Man - "No, thanks."


Boy - "My dad's outside."


Man - "OK, how much?"


Boy - "$250"


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the cupboard together.


Boy - "Dark in here."


Man - "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have football boots."


The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"Ok how much this time ?"


Boy - "$750"


Man - "Sold."


A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy,
"Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a
game of soccer.. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and
boots."


The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"


Boy - "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."


The father says, "That's a terrible thing overcharging your
friend like that "That's four times what they cost when they
were new, I'm going to take You to church and make you
confess your terrible sin."


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy
sits in the Confession booth and he closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here".


The priest says, "Don't start that again you little so and so - you're in my cupboard now"!!

[Luv Cookie]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[Luv Cookie]

Here Kitty Kitty

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing??"

The son, who answered the phone, answers:

"Well, my Mom's dead,

my Sister's pregnant,

my @ss hurts and

my Dad is running around naked outside screaming,

'Here KITTY KITTY'."

[Cobia]

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'

She replied, 'Your horse called.

[BrianB]

Medicare

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
-Hello?
-Hello. Mrs. Sanders, please.
-Speaking.
-Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.
-What do you mean? Mrs Sanders asks nervously.
-Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is
your husband's.
-That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again? questioned Mrs. Sanders.
-Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for the expensive tests one time.
-Well, what am I supposed to do now?!
-The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

[BrianB]

Redneck and cop

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under
the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns
the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The redneck said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry
cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants
to have sex!'

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted
a police dog!'

[jetmechmarty]

another redneck

Happy Hour Special



A redneck, driving down a back road in Georgia, spots a sign in front
of a restaurant that reads:


HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer



"Lord almighty," the redneck exclaims to himself, "my three favorite
things!!'

[trbig]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all of the
patients were outside, shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some S.O.B. poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting, '14....14....14'

[planedick]

Not a joke.... but....

I hope those among you of French descent don't take this too seriously. BTW, I'm of French descent......... I don't feel the need to make excusses for the Archbishop.....



While in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by the United States .

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying have you heard the latest dumb stunt the Americans have done? They have sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What do they intended to do, bomb them ???

A Boeing engineer stood up and re plied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities. They have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships....how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French ???'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because back in '44 the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German !!!

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready', The Amer ican said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible monsieur. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, there was no Frenchmen in sight to show it to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

[Cobia]

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but all nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!

[Cobia]

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Edna and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.

Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Edna looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asks a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Edna looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN EDNA?"

"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Edna replies "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

[xsilerating]

Will I live to be 80?

I recently found a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, fishing or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
“No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a sh!t?”