J O T D

[Kronk]

... I just did the math and realised that I was the product of birthday rhomping...

[Wildkat]

For the Cowboy fans (and haters lol)

COWBOYS TRAINING SUSPENDED ARLINGTON --Training at the NFL's Cowboys stadium was delayed nearly two hours this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the NFL team thought it was a prank. Training was immediately suspended while police and Homeland Security officials were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, Dallas Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and Homeland Security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.





(borrowed this one from a friend Thank you )

[Kronk]

Bubba and Cleatus were out hunting and arguing about putting on their orange vests.
Bubba got so hot headed about the issue he shot Cleatus in the foot.
Cleatus passed out from the pain.
Bubba panicked, and called 9-1-1,
The dispatcher said ''What is your Emergency?''
to whitch Bubba yelled ''It's Cleatus! I think I killed him. He's dead!''
''Sir'' the dispatcher said I need ''you to calm down and make sure he is infact dead. Do you know how to do that?''
Bubba took a deap breath, and said ''yeah, I know what to do...''

BANG!!!

The dispatcher is still off work due to emotional damage. Bubba is in jail.

[Rasputin]

The Hunting Accident
Long story short, a guy goes hunting.
A gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes

[planedick]

Some limit

There is some limit to the degree of sickness that MC riding will help, I suppose. If you're that bad off you might be better off going more often. LOL To see the shrink I mean.

Don't get mad, I'm just trying to be funny. I got the tag line from a sticker I got at the store.....

[cywelchjr]

You know, I've seen the tagline "You don't see motorcycles parked in front of the psychiatrist's office..." on several posts on the site and I have to call BS on it. You do indeed see them outside the psychiatrists office. Mine is there every couple of months, and I often see one or two other riders there as well. But I guess if I could go out and ride it more, that might make the tag line more true?

I have to admit though, I would probably have to go in more often if I didn't ride.

[planedick]

Lawyer joke

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.



So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"



The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"



The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[planedick]

Talking clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

‘Watch,’ the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

[crazy steve]

Why Dogs Are MANS Best Friend

1. The later you are, the more excited and happy your dog is to see you.

2. Dog's don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dog's like it if you leave a lot of 'stuff' on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dog's agree that you have to raise your voice to get a point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go anytime you are.

7. Dog's find you amusing when you're drunk...

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog won't wake you in the middle of the night to ask 'if I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put up an ad and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad; they just think it's interesting.

13. A dog likes to ride to ride in the back of a truck.

14. If a dog runs off, it won't take half your stuff.

15. Dogs will never ask you if you think they're fat.

16. And a dog will never tell you to stop something 'or else'.

[Rasputin]

Alberta Baby

AN ALBERTA man is drinking in a Fort MacMurray bar when he gets a call on his cellphone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Alberta man just shrugs, "That's about average folks...like I said - my boy's a typical alberta baby boy."

Two weeks later the ALBERTA man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical alberta baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The alberta father takes a slow swig from his LaBatts beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".

[b.walker5]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Begorah Paddy, ye frightened the livin daylights out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor"

[Rasputin]

Oooops

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.


While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.


The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.


As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.


After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'


He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.


Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'


Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me...

[mxmikie]

red ring/green ring

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

[planedick]

Murphy's hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I remembered where I left me hat."

[latexeses]

They got it right down under!

This is going to be a classic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Sz-smVKK-I

Wish it would happen out here.