J O T D

[planedick]

Blonde horse rider

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[planedick]

Expert Fees....

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psyc't. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'


How much do you charge?'

Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.


'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.



'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'



'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

[Rasputin]

A Rare Occurence

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and
there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " F*cked if I know, I've never got this far before"



Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

[xs11jack]

Horse joke

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[xs11jack]

Husband and wife

Husbands & Wives
And then the fight started ...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What's on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
“I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
When I got home last night,
My wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife,
“Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
“Naw, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies,
“Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,
“Holy crap. That must be my husband!”
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”
And then the fight started ...
~~~~~
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And then the fight started ...

[xs11jack]

Santa Claus

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[xs11jack]

Beer men into women

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

[xs11jack]

The difference between Grandpa and Grandma

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

[xs11jack]

Another Blonde joke

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

[xs11jack]

Deer Camp

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ken's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ken's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ken sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

[xs11jack]

This is for our brothers in waterworld.

There was an Aussie guy driving his truck in the Australian outback. And 'cos he's in the Aussie outback he has a roo-bar on the front of his truck incase he hits something.

Suddenly he hits something big. He radio's into his station and says 'Hey guys, I've got a pig stuck in my roo-bar, how do I get it out?'

They radio back to him saying 'Cut the stomach open and the guts will fall out.'

He does this, then radios back in, 'Hey guys, I've got another problem...'

'What's that?'

'What do I do with the motorcycle and the helmet?'

[Special Ed]

A little geezer humor.

Bubba's old man was turning 90, and he thought he would give the ol' boy a special treat, so he hired a “party girl” to entertain him. When she came over she knocked on the door and when the toothless old man answered the door she announced: “I'm here to give you super sex!”
The old man thought for a second and replied: “I'll take the soup...”
Special Ed

[CatatonicBug]

This isn't just one joke, but a website that has had me laughing so hard my face hurts! It shows how the autocorrect feature on the iPhone4 creates some interesting converesations!

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

[tinman905]

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.


How do you catch a tame rabbit.
Tame Way

[bikerphil]

Nice riding, stick to bar hopping......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIP1hchwddY